Building the Foundation

Starting out in BDSM there can be a lot of questions a lot of miss understandings and a lot of things that seem pointless.

Understanding why things are the way they are in actually integral to the growth of a person within the lifestyle.

For those new to the lifestyle or, those coming into the lifestyle due to their interest in 50 shades of grey or other BDSM novels or forms of media. I have to lay out the foundation.

BDSM is based on a mutual agreement of consent and trust. I haven’t really gone to much into depth on that topic due to the fact that I wasn’t sure how to actually go about it.

As a Dominant, we take on a lot of responsibilities. We put aside our own needs in order to take care of and help our partners grow. Yes, there are aspects where we get what we need, but there are many more aspects where we have to push our needs aside. To give our submissives the guidance and insight that we have.

Being a Dominant isn’t just telling your submissive to do something. It is building respect and trust.

You can’t just go into a relationship and expect your partner to do what you say at the drop of a hat. Or force them to do as you command and if they don’t you punish them. That is abuse. Forcing someone to obey you isn’t the Dominant or Alpha thing to do. In fact, it shows how little you know or understand about BDSM.

On the flip side though if you are submissive and you expect your partner to understand your needs without first building upon their knowledge base of how you act and what you do. Or your needs. You are causing the abuse in some cases.

Newcomers to the lifestyle should always communicate with their partners, about their needs and wants. In some cases, the submissive has to educate the Dominant in specific ways. So they understand how to do what the submissive needs. It also can go in the opposite direction where the Dominant has to teach the submissive. (More often this is the case that I have experienced.)

Now I will throw out the aspect of the switch. If you are a switch you have a lot on your plate especially if you are coming into a relationship with someone who is new to the lifestyle. You may need to teach your partner or partners what you need. Along with actually teaching them how the lifestyle works.

I will say this also if you are having a one-night stand with someone or are doing a booty call, met them at a bar, or what have you. You should never and I will reiterate. You should never do any form of BDSM play with them. You don’t know them. There is no trust or mutual respect.

If you are a Dominant and your partner doesn’t respect you. It doesn’t mean you are a bad Dominant. It could mean that your submissive isn’t a submissive. The same goes for a submissive. If your Dom doesn’t respect you then they may not be a Dom.

Spend time getting to know the person beforehand and build some form of bond with them. Find out if you have similar interests, kinks, fetishes, or ideas for play. Never agree to anything you aren’t comfortable with. If someone forces you to agree to something that you aren’t comfortable with.

It isn’t Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Those three tenants are basically laws when it comes to BDSM.. Now one can force you to do anything you don’t want to do. If they try to, leave.

In all my years in the lifestyle. I have learned a lot. From what it takes to be a Dominant, to how to treat other Dominants. Never betray the trust or respect of anyone.

A tip that I could give any submissive though is to honor your Dom give them the trust, love, and respect that they deserve. If they don’t deserve it then don’t give it to them. ( To all the Brats and switches who tend to be brats, I know what you are thinking and don’t even think about it. Stop it now. Be the good girl I know you are and do as you are told)

Something that I have learned is to question myself as a Dom and what I can do to become a better person. Part of being a better partner in this lifestyle is actually being a better person. Working on yourself and building your knowledge base can be a big help. Also, patience is huge. They say it is a virtue and I think it is key in this lifestyle if you are a Dominant. Every submissive you have will test you and question you. They will make you want to go home and rethink your life. With no death sticks involved. (Sorry, StarWars jokes)

The point I am trying to make though is that it is hard to be a Dominant. You put all this time and effort into another person. Who may have depression issues, past sexual abuse, or maybe just horrible ADHD and OCD. In some cases, they may have all that and more. In other cases that may have it all and want to be in little space and watch Disney movies for five days straight. Or the whole harry potter series in one day. When you started at Noon on a Saturday and have to stay up into Sunday just to make them happy.

As a Dominant, you take time and make an effort to give your partner what they need. Without any real reciprocation sometimes. You have to love your partner and be willing to sacrifice things for them. I have spent many a sleepless night just holding my submissive’s or reading them bedtime stories.

You do things to help build them up and in turn, they give you the greatest joy in the world. They give you the ability to call them yours and be the one who helps them grow into the beautiful woman you see under their skin.

I have watched as many of my previous partners have worked on themselves and built themselves into amazing women. They may have moved on with their lives and be in completely different places now but I am grateful to have been able to spend that time with them and show them that they could be more than what they were.

I am proud of every single one of them, and I wish them well.

That is what it takes to be a Dominant. A foundation of trust and respect, a want to guide and help others grow. Even if that means that sometimes they have to walk away. Sometimes you have to realize that you may not be best for someone. You also have to accept that sometimes you are the one keeping them from growing.

Which means you have to work on yourself more. Being a Dominant is a never-ending journey of self-reflection, growth, education and building others up to become the best that they can be. In the process, you yourself have to become the best you can be as well.

Facing the Darkness

I know that I have told you all to work through your issues and to build yourself up. I know that I have told you to acknowledge your failures and work forward through them. 

Yet, I never take my advice. It took Mother Lilith calling me out on some things. I have said before that I had a troubled past. There is a lot of trauma there. The problem is, I never knew how to work through it. 

For decades I pushed it aside and pretended it never existed. I let it eat me alive. From the fear of succeeding and failing. To self-doubt and self-loathing. I never knew how to deal with it or work through it.

I let it consume me and eat me alive, from the darkest of times where I tasted the barrel of a gun to times where my self-hatred became anger towards others around me.

I let it sabotage every relationship I have ever had, friendships, relationships with partners I loved and cared for, to my relationship with my family. I let it destroy who I thought I was. 

It is like a demon. Or another person who is there and takes over every once in a while. It makes me sabotage my relationships and makes me second guess myself. Or if I am good enough for anyone.

The self-doubt and anger towards myself have destroyed me. In turn, it has destroyed my relationships with those I love. 

Facing this darkness has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Heck, dealing with the trauma and neglect was easier. 

Being face to face with myself for the first time in I don’t know how long. Makes me realize that I allowed myself to become someone I never wanted to be. I allowed myself to become my father and my mother in one person. 

I allowed my anger towards them to be aimed at myself. Like I did something wrong. As if it was my fault as to why things are the way they are. 

Which in truth it is my fault. In a way. I allowed myself to fall into myself and hide. I let the feelings eat me alive to the point that I have no idea how to feel. Or what emotions feel like due to only feeling anger and pain. All of which is aimed at me for the things I have done. Or is it the things I think I have done?

This realization, that I have no idea what emotions feel like except anger and pain, was a very eye opening realization. 

I was angry at the world for existing. I hated living so to speak. Like I never asked to be here but here I am. The existential dred of every day was like waking up to another day of being ate alive.

Realizing that this anger is misplaced and should be let go so that I can grow. Kind of hurt if that makes sense. It’s like having baggage that you have been carrying around for most of your life only to realize that it isn’t supposed to be there.

It took a fight between Mother Lilith and I and her sending me a link over facebook for me to realize what I have been doing for decades. 

Ill leave the link here so that if any men need it it may help them as well. It may also help women understand what every man goes thought daily. 

As someone who finally realizes why and how. I also realize that I am the only one that can change it. I am the only one that can take that first step. 

It took Mother Lilith telling me how I always talk about learning and growing but I wasn’t practicing what I preach. I was letting my emotions dictate my actions. Which isn’t the way things should be. 

It is funny when you are okay with walking through a war zone but afraid of facing your feelings. Can you be considered brave for fearing who you are changing into someone else? Is it better to try and fail than to not try at all?

I know that I could survive hell, but the question is can I survive my hell. 

For some dumb reason, I have the words to a stupid song stuck in my head. Just do the next right thing. The question is what is right? How do I find that out? 

Well, there is always the journey and that will tell you if it is the right thing or not. You may not know it at the time but, that next right thing can change your world. 

So, as a man if you are going through anything like this you need to keep fighting. Sometimes it is easier to fight flesh and blood than it is to fight your demons but your demons are the only thing you have to defeat. 

Your mind can be your worst enemy. Don’t let it be. Make it your gratest ally. 

Work on yourself and build yourself into the person you want to be. Don’t listen to the voices in your head or those around you. Be the person you need to be, not for them. For you. Be the person that drives you.

Building Bonds

This community is all about building rapport and bonds with others. You can’t just jump in and expect to have someone want to be your play partner. (If that does happen, run) You have to get to know the person. 

In this post, I am going to give you some tips and tricks on how to talk to someone in the lifestyle. 

  1. Always be open and honest
  2. Don’t say you are into something if you aren’t
  3. Be respectful. 
  4. Make sure that they have time to talk and are heard. 
  5. Spend time with them and get to know them as a person first.
  6. Treat them like a person. They are first and foremost a person over your play partner.

Yeah sure, you might be excited to have a new play partner and it might be a lot of fun to just jump into things.

Make sure you are both compatible as well. Not everyone is into what you are and not everyone is okay with candle wax or pins. Different strokes for different folks. 

You also should discuss sex and if it is acceptable for your partner. Some play sessions don’t need sex. Sometimes it is just a scene and aftercare. Sometimes aftercare can lead to sex. (Depending on your partner and if you are in a relationship with them or not)

A few hints here

  1. Never assume anything
  2. Consent is always needed for everything. Always ask first
  3. Safewords are just that. If they are used. Follow them…
  4. Be prepared to get your partner out of those ropes/chains or whatever at a moment’s notice.
  5. For the love of everything that is Holy. Learn where people’s pressure points and nerve endings are… So that you don’t damage them

Sure you may want some awesome scenes and try to push your partner but sometimes life happens and you can’t do the exact thing you wanted to do. Oh well, maybe next time. Don’t get but hurt or tell your partner that they disappointed you. They don’t deserve to be punished for your lack of being flexible. 

I can’t tell you how many times I have had a partner start her period during play, and I had to stop due to her cramping or other issues. As a Dominant, your partner’s needs come first yours come last. Always.

I can hear every sub out there screaming at me about how our needs come first, but in reality, it kind of is a two-way street in many cases. We as the Dom’s put our partner first whereas the subs do the same thing.

As a sub, if you can’t take it or continue tell your Dom. As a Dom be able to judge things with your partner. I have had to stop or call things off due to my sub thinking she could take this or that only to have them realize they can’t and try to please me or be stubborn and try to push through. 

If you ask any of my previous partners, I have a paddle that I haven’t ever been able to actually use to its full potential due to how much it hurts them. I can only use my wrist when using it. I can’t put my full force behind it. Yay for amazing paddles. 

Back on topic though. As a Dom, you need to be able to feel out a situation and know the point at which your sub is being stubborn. The same goes for subs though too. Some Dominants will go easy on you and end up babying you. If that is not what you want then you need to push your Dom… 

I do not condone being a brat. In fact, I want every brat out there to be a good girl or boy for their Dom. I do know that sometimes you need to be put in your place though because if you aren’t you will act out and end up being an even worse brat. So, know that there is a fine line between pushing your Dom to get what you want and pushing your Doms buttons to piss them off.

You need to build a line of open communication with each other. You need to be able to trust each other with your lives, hopes, and dreams. In some cases, it can even be beneficial if you are connected enough to read each other’s minds.

(It helps you and your partner reach sub and dom space faster) 

Be one with your partner. 

No little Johnny, I said to be one with your partner not be in your partner.

That isn’t to say that as a sub you can’t want your partner inside you just make sure that you gave consent and they did as well. Then it is all good.

Ladies and Gentleman

I know my last post was kind of off the wall and out in left field, but it needed to be said. I needed time to put myself back together. I needed to get my head right after our loss.

The good news? I am back baby!

Part of me missed this blog. I am glad I am back and with that out of the way let’s get to the nitty-gritty of it.

With everything going on in the world as of late, I think it would be a good time to point out a way to relieve stress. Which does pertain to adult fun.

This post is going to be more about the sex aspect than the BDSM aspect. I know that some people may be into free use or public or possibly even some kinky shit.

The thing to remember is though, is that it is to please both you and your partner. Sometimes you need to take a time out and just be normal I guess I could say.

I have been trying to take my time with taking care of Mother Lilith’s needs and I enjoy it. Remember that it isn’t always about your needs and your desires. It is about both of you. If your partner wants to have a day of just cuddling on the couch and watching Disney movies. You should do it even if you hate princess Disney movies. Even if all you got Disney plus for was for the Marvel, and Star Wars movies….

Sometimes you need to take time out and treat your partner as a person. Even if they are being a brat and throw fits.

Your partner may be acting out because they aren’t getting the attention they need from you in the way they need it. I have had this issue with multiple different partners.

Sometimes just being a couple and having a normal evening with normal sex can be the most passionate thing in the world.

Along with the fact sometimes you may need it as well to recharge. Which is something I know I have had issues with dong since we moved to Sin City.

Taking time out of our busy lives to be there for our partners can be the greatest part of their day even without us knowing it. So as a Dominant go buy your partner that Starbucks coffee. Or make them their favorite dinner.

Do little things and show them that outside of the lifestyle that they mean something to you.

BDSM Baking

I know, I know the title sounds dumb but hear me out.

I have spent a lot of time trying to understand BDSM as a whole along with its cultural impacts across the board. From people being more open about who they are and what they are okay with. To the fantasy of many people which is not being in control. Or giving up control.

This is why I am naming this BDSM Baking. I can’t bake worth a damn but what I can do is wait and be patient. Just like in baking you have to wait for all the ingredients to finish baking each one takes a different time and temperature. You aren’t going to bake brownies at 100 degrees for 6 hours but you will turn it up to 450 and cook it for a half-hour.

Everything in this lifestyle takes time. From learning about it and researching about what aspect calls more to you. To finding that partner that is the right fit.

There is a joke going around that Norse Paganism is the religion of homework. Well, BDSM is the lifestyle of homework. You have to know what you are talking about. You can’t just jump in headlong and participate in aspects of BDSM that could injure, or even harm someone. You have to know the person’s limits along with your own.

Something that I have been seeing a lot more of these days are people who have no real idea what their own personal limits are.

I have been contacted on multiple social media outlets and other forms of chats and groups. Only to find that many people say that they have no limits. Which is a red flag. Another issue I see is that even if they have no limits they assume that you have none as well or tell you that you shouldn’t have any.

Which is flat out wrong.

Understanding and letting the batter set before it goes into the oven can be key sometimes in this lifestyle. Just because you are interested in it and want to jump in doesn’t mean you should right off the bad. Get to know potential play partners. Make sure you can trust them.

In society today and how dating has become one night stands or fwbs being into bdsm is well for the lack of a better term a fetish. People are doing increasingly more risky things to get themselves off.

So, my suggestion to you all is let the baking process take place before you eat your cake. If you do it right you can have your cake and eat it too. It just takes a little time.

Philosophy vs. Psychology

In BDSM, there has always been a battle that every person, has had to deal with. That battle is between the philosophy vs. the psychology of the lifestyle.

The psychology is the personal aspect of BDSM and the impact on an individual person. Whereas philosophy is the reality of the lifestyle. Think of it this way. If as a Dominant you expect your submissive to be nake in the house at all times. Psychologically, you could see that working. Yet, philosophically you realize that there are times where your submissive should be clothed.

The ideas behind the psychology of BDSM are originally what drew me to the lifestyle. Over time though I learned that the philosophy was actually more important than the psychology of the lifestyle. As a young Dominant, I had delusions of grandeur. I had dreams of a polyamorous relationship where I had a harem of submissives and would have all these submissives at my beck and call. Over time though I realized that the thought of it was what made me enjoy it. Where in practice I know for a fact that I couldn’t please more than a few women at a time.

(Note: I am still a dork and would enjoy a harem, but I realize that it is a fantasy at this point)

A person’s thoughts on what works in the lifestyle change as they truly start to understand the philosophy of the lifestyle. The psychology of the lifestyle says, me and mine. I take what I want as a Dominant. The philosophy says your partner is human and should be treated as such first then add the fun aspects of things.

I can’t tell you how many times I have thought about fantasies that I have had and wanted to make them a reality. Yet, in reality, I know that those thoughts may never come to fruition.

We as the human race have always had issues with this inner battle we have. Which crosses over from our normal lives into every aspect of who we are. From our beliefs and interests to how we act and let others perceive us.

When I was just getting started in the lifestyle I was naive like everyone else. I thought I knew everything. Which of course I didn’t Over the years I have learned to be humble and I had to take a look at the psychology of BDSM and the philosophy of it as well in order to understand myself better.

Life has its ups and downs. We all go through things. You and your partner may be on different pages. Heck, you may not even be in the same book sometimes. That is where this thought process came from for me.

I have spent a lot of time trying to build relationships with previous partners in order to try and keep everything kosher. Only to realize that my psychology behind the lifestyle isn’t the same as others. Only then did I look at the philosophy and realize that the philosophy is something we can all agree upon. In the philosophy of the lifestyle, we have the tenents and the laws of BDSM so to speak.

The psychology of the lifestyle has all of our own personal beliefs and thoughts on the lifestyle. Which are not always understood by everyone. For instance, some people are into water sports or Master/slave relationships. Others not so much. This is where BDSM becomes more personal. This is where the thought that BDSM is different for everyone comes in.

The philosophy of it is the premise of the lifestyle. It gives us the guidelines and helps lead us into what aspects we as individuals click with.

So, my question is to all of you. Do you feel the same way I do? Do you understand things the same way? Or am I just crazy? I would like to hear your perspectives on this topic.

Mentoring the opposite role

  There has been something within the lifestyle that has been bugging me for a long time. This all came to a head when I was contacted by a submissive on my blog and then ended up chatting with her over a chat app. 

I have to say this hits me to the core of who I am and the reason why I made this blog, to begin with. I created this blog to help educate and counsel those who are lost within the lifestyle. I created it to help keep so-called “Dominants” from abusing submissives. I did this to reach out with all my own personal knowledge of the lifestyle.

The topic of today’s post is this. So-called Dominants and Mentors piss me off to no end. They make what I do a joke a laughing stoke and I take it as a threat and a jab at what I do and who I am when I hear about these so-called individuals using and hurting potential submissives. 

What they don’t understand is that through their actions they are making me and others like me look bad. Not only that but they are hurting the submissive and could possibly keep that person from experiencing how amazing BDSM can be. It sickens me that there are those out there who play the part only to get what they want out of someone.

I am sorry if I seem a little heated, but enough is e-fucking-nough. The basis of this post lights a fire within me because I have seen so many amazing submissives get hurt by these idiots and morons. I wish I could spend five minutes alone with these uneducated pompous assholes. 

The Rules for Mentors

  1. A mentor is never to do anything sexual with a submissive unless the submissive asks for it. 
  2.  As a mentor, your job is to teach and educate
  3. You are the safety net for the submissive. You oversee everything
  4. It is your job to guide and protect the submissive
  5. When the mentoring process is over. You have two choices either work things out with your submissive and take them on as your own. Or help them find a compatible Dominant that has been vetted and has been cleared. You let them go so that they can grow and learn more
  6. You can’t teach someone everything. 
  7. Experience doesn’t always mean you are right. 

Rules for newcomers to the lifestyle who are looking for a Mentor/ Dom

  1. Make sure you can trust the person
  2. Never allow them power over you in a mentoring aspect they are the teacher and you are the learner. They can’t control you
  3. If they force play or anything sexual they aren’t a Mentor or Dom
  4. They are there to be your protector and your guardian of sorts. If they don’t act as such, they shouldn’t be your Mentor or Dom
  5. You should never have to question their motives. 
  6. If you have questions ask. If they give you bullshit answers they aren’t worth your time.
  7. Don’t just jump into a Mentor or Dom/sub relationship make sure you know the person. Take your time.

This topic makes me hot to the point that I want to reach out and touch some people. What I do isn’t a joke. It isn’t something I only do sometimes. I am always here trying to help educate and inform those who are willing to listen or learn. 

Sorry for the heated post but it needed to be said. 

Commitment and kinks

Looking at relationships today, a lot of them seem to be whimsical or even a form of a mythical being. A real relationship with someone you know, understand and trust is so few and far between.

It is like a one in an infinite chance to find someone that you can connect with. When it comes to kinks it becomes even harder. Finding someone who is into the things that you are. It is as if you are searching for El Dorado or Atlantis. Especially if you are in a smaller town or city.

I know how it can wear on you if you can’t find someone who meshes with you well. Or even in some cases accepts you. Keeping your sex life to yourself has been the way it had to be for a long time.

People tend to be very judgemental. Especially if you live in a small religious community. I know that one first hand. I also know how it feels to keep a big part of who you are hidden from those around you. No one in my life knows who or what I am.

No one in my family would understand, nor would they accept me for who I am. This can be a very important thing with your partner. If they can’t accept who you are it can be devastating and could end the relationship.

Back on topic though.

Every day it is a battle to keep my kinks out of my commitment to my partner. Being Polyamorous and being someone who enjoys watching. It is hard sometimes for me to stop when I get to that point, so to speak.

I have to remember every day that my submissive is a switch and not just a submissive. We both have kinks and fantasies that involve specific things like gangbangs and orgies and such but sometimes I have to keep myself in check instead of being the Master I am to her I have to be the boyfriend.

With her past trauma, her fantasies are fantasies that she does and doesn’t want. She has moments where she hits a wall that blocks her from being who she wants to be for herself and for me. So, I do my best to switch from being her Master to being her boyfriend.

There are times I can treat her like the naughty little slut she is, and then there are times where her own fantasies scare her. One of the things that I have tried to express to her is that in the past she wasn’t in control of what was happening and this is a way that she could take back that control.

Doing these things in a controlled environment can help open her up to growth and possibly helping with her past trauma. I normally wouldn’t support this thought process. Hell, I even wrote a post about it. Yet, looking at the situation now I understand it differently than I originally did.

So, sometimes I have caught between a rock and a hard place no pun intended. Helping my partner grow and become the woman she wants to be. Has always been my goal with all of my partners. Hence why I had to let them go in a sense. I was holding them back from what they wanted.

I know that may sound strange and possibly like I am self defeating but in the end. I have to let my partners those who I have loved with everything in me go. So that they can move forward.

As much as it hurt to let Melika or Missy go. I had to do it because they had issues accepting the fact that I am poly and they wanted me to be someone that I am not. Sadly it is the story of my life.

Others around me have always wanted me to be someone I am not and the instant I become the person they want me to be they end up not loving me the way they thought they did.

So, I have vowed to make a commitment to myself and my partners that I won’t change them. Nor will I change. We may have kinks and fantasies that drive us. Things that make us feel whole and things that make us feel as if we are one, but in the end, our commitment to ourselves and to each other needs to be the main priority.

This isn’t something that we all can just fake either, we have to work at it everyday. We have to show our partner or partners that they are the apple of our eye. That we are committed to them and to ourselves.

In times like this when there is a crazy virus going around making and keeping commitments to ourselves and to our partners is very important. With the number of people who are under quarantine right now, we all should make sure that if any of those people are our partners that they are safe and okay.

This also goes for those stupid new years’ resolutions. If you made a commitment to go to the gym you better be working out… If you made a commitment to spend more time with your loved ones. You should be doing such.

I hate to sound cliche but we only have this one life. (Religious views aside) We need to take our lives into our own hands. No one else can fix our problems but us.

Communication is key

I know that in the past I have pushed for communication and for you all to communicate.

Yet, I haven’t told you how to communicate effectively. You see the key to any lasting relationship is being able to express what you are feeling to your partner and helping them to be able to understand what you are feeling and saying.

Again, though I have failed at explaining how this is done. With all my years in the lifestyle. Along with all my years as someone who considers myself a teacher in this area. I have had my failings. I am at fault here just as much as any of my previous partners.

The blame in the communication break down isn’t solely on them, nor is it just on me.

We as humans use vocal notes to express sounds which we turn into words. In our primitive days, each noise would mean something that could end up meaning life or death. Yet, as time has gone on we have let these sounds carry less meaning over time. I believe the reason for this is that we as a race have deviated from our animal instincts to become more of a docile species. So words and sounds mean less.

For instance, the three little words that can change someone’s life. “I Love You” Looking at those words and our culture today, we don’t really put an emphasis on the word love that we use to. We say it without having the actual mental understanding of what love truly is and means.

Plus on the other side of that, there are multiple forms of love. Being able to communicate what form of love that you have for someone is very important. It is almost as important as loving the person or feeling that love from another person.

Now being able to express that feeling and convey it into words is something that we as a society may have a lot of issues with. Looking at the media and how they portray love. (Just watch any Hallmark movie during Christmas) That form of love isn’t what we feel for everyone. For instance, we love our siblings and other family members. We don’t love a partner the same way we love family.

Nor do we love a partner the way we love our friends and people we confide in. We love partners on a different level.

Adding the BDSM aspect to things can make it a lot harder to understand as well. Looking at any submissive who has gone into subspace and is coming out of it. Aftercare is a way to show your love. Now, do you love this person as your partner? As a play partner? As a human being? That is up to the parties that are there.

Some people consider sexual acts the deepest and most raw form of love. Which I understand, whoever you are having sex with is seeing you naked and seeing you for who you really are underneath your masks. You express physical intimacy in a way that can be considered a form of love.

I kinda went off-topic here but let me explain why I did that.

In a lot of forms of communication, we as a society aren’t truly listening or trying to understand what the person is saying. We are trying to create a response to what they are saying. We feel the need to defend ourselves as if we are being attacked. Even when the conversation is about someone else’s emotions. Which loops me back to the emotion of love.

I have had a lot of people including partners, basically, tell me that I can’t be polyamorous. I can’t love more than one person romantically. So, I have had to express and find ways to convey to them that they can understand. Which has been very difficult at times.

You see if someone is closed-minded to something. Or doesn’t want to understand it. They won’t even try. If it is out of the norm or something that their religion, ethnic background, upbringing, or even their past won’t allow them to understand.

A closed-minded person, like a person who is scared of what could happen, will always miss out on the chances they didn’t take. If you aren’t willing to be open-minded with your partner then you are closing yourself off from communicating effectively.

Your relationship isn’t just about you and your wants and your needs. It is also about your partner’s wants and needs as well. It is a two-way street, and you both have to work on being open-minded and understanding when it comes to your relationship and your communication.

Some partners communicate differently than you do. Some will have different triggers or trauma than you will and you both will have to work around those things in order to build the relationship.

My best suggestion is to sit down with your partner once a week and actually talk. Not the whole “How was work honey” “Oh it was work dear” I am talking about actually communicating with each other. Opening up, letting your partner see your hopes, dreams, and worst fears. Learn as much about your partner as you can. Hell, know them better than you know yourself. (For us guys who are with female partners. You know what I mean. Get her the chocolates and such before she has the emotional breakdown and be there for her without her having to ask.)

The key here is to actually be there for your partner. Let them vent to you, let them sit in a bubble bath while you sit there and talk to them while they relax. Or turn off the TV and actually talk to each other. Set your phone down and have a nice dinner and talk about your relationship and what you both want out of it and where you want it to go.

The most important part of this is though. You NEED to LISTEN and UNDERSTAND what your partner is saying. If you don’t understand ask questions. Don’t cut them off when they are talking though. Let them finish what they are trying to express. Then you can do the same after you ask whatever questions you have.

Hell, make it a weekly thing where you both spend maybe twenty to thirty minutes talking and trying to understand each other.

I truly hope that those of you who read this will actually take a second to realize that communication truly is key to any form of relationship and I hope you all will take steps to build healthy, lasting relationships with people who care about you and support you.

The Rules

These rules are subject to change if the submissive is not comfortable with any of them. These rules are just ideas, seeing as how I am poly as well as a Dominant. I have separate rules for each since some partners may not be submissive.

1. The submissive will do some sort of work out for at least 60 minutes a day.

2. The submissive will eat healthily. If the submissive has any questions about this they may ask their Dominant.

3. The submissive will practice all forms of personal care and self-love.

4. The submissive will always be on their best behavior. Since they are a reflection of their Dominant.

5. When the submissive has an issue they will communicate with the Dominant.

6. During play, the submissive will ask if they may cum.

7. The submissive will always tell the Dominant if something isn’t right.

8. If the submissive isn’t comfortable with something they will let the Dominant know right away.

9. The submissive will devote time to the Dominant

10. If the submissive wants to play they will let the Dominant know (Dominants aren’t mind readers)

Poly Rules.

All of the above rules apply to the poly rules as well.

1. The submissive should spend time with all partners.

2. If the submissive wants to have a fling or play with someone outside of the poly relationship they will ask the Dominant

3. The submissive will communicate at all times as to how the submissive is feeling and if there are any jealousy issues.

4. The submissive will be willing to work with the Dominant if there are any issues with other partners.

5. Drama will not be tolerated

6. All partners/parties will work together to ensure that everyone feels accepted and loved

7. Love can be for more than one person. Making everything about the submissive or the Dominant is wrong in a poly relationship

8. If the rules are broken the party that broke the rule should be punished. (This includes the Dominant)

9. All parties will work on and develop the relationship that they want to have.

10. Every partner is different. Not all partners want the same thing. Learn what they want from you and work with them.