Starting out in BDSM there can be a lot of questions a lot of miss understandings and a lot of things that seem pointless.
Understanding why things are the way they are in actually integral to the growth of a person within the lifestyle.
For those new to the lifestyle or, those coming into the lifestyle due to their interest in 50 shades of grey or other BDSM novels or forms of media. I have to lay out the foundation.
BDSM is based on a mutual agreement of consent and trust. I haven’t really gone to much into depth on that topic due to the fact that I wasn’t sure how to actually go about it.
As a Dominant, we take on a lot of responsibilities. We put aside our own needs in order to take care of and help our partners grow. Yes, there are aspects where we get what we need, but there are many more aspects where we have to push our needs aside. To give our submissives the guidance and insight that we have.
Being a Dominant isn’t just telling your submissive to do something. It is building respect and trust.
You can’t just go into a relationship and expect your partner to do what you say at the drop of a hat. Or force them to do as you command and if they don’t you punish them. That is abuse. Forcing someone to obey you isn’t the Dominant or Alpha thing to do. In fact, it shows how little you know or understand about BDSM.
On the flip side though if you are submissive and you expect your partner to understand your needs without first building upon their knowledge base of how you act and what you do. Or your needs. You are causing the abuse in some cases.
Newcomers to the lifestyle should always communicate with their partners, about their needs and wants. In some cases, the submissive has to educate the Dominant in specific ways. So they understand how to do what the submissive needs. It also can go in the opposite direction where the Dominant has to teach the submissive. (More often this is the case that I have experienced.)
Now I will throw out the aspect of the switch. If you are a switch you have a lot on your plate especially if you are coming into a relationship with someone who is new to the lifestyle. You may need to teach your partner or partners what you need. Along with actually teaching them how the lifestyle works.
I will say this also if you are having a one-night stand with someone or are doing a booty call, met them at a bar, or what have you. You should never and I will reiterate. You should never do any form of BDSM play with them. You don’t know them. There is no trust or mutual respect.
If you are a Dominant and your partner doesn’t respect you. It doesn’t mean you are a bad Dominant. It could mean that your submissive isn’t a submissive. The same goes for a submissive. If your Dom doesn’t respect you then they may not be a Dom.
Spend time getting to know the person beforehand and build some form of bond with them. Find out if you have similar interests, kinks, fetishes, or ideas for play. Never agree to anything you aren’t comfortable with. If someone forces you to agree to something that you aren’t comfortable with.
It isn’t Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Those three tenants are basically laws when it comes to BDSM.. Now one can force you to do anything you don’t want to do. If they try to, leave.
In all my years in the lifestyle. I have learned a lot. From what it takes to be a Dominant, to how to treat other Dominants. Never betray the trust or respect of anyone.
A tip that I could give any submissive though is to honor your Dom give them the trust, love, and respect that they deserve. If they don’t deserve it then don’t give it to them. ( To all the Brats and switches who tend to be brats, I know what you are thinking and don’t even think about it. Stop it now. Be the good girl I know you are and do as you are told)
Something that I have learned is to question myself as a Dom and what I can do to become a better person. Part of being a better partner in this lifestyle is actually being a better person. Working on yourself and building your knowledge base can be a big help. Also, patience is huge. They say it is a virtue and I think it is key in this lifestyle if you are a Dominant. Every submissive you have will test you and question you. They will make you want to go home and rethink your life. With no death sticks involved. (Sorry, StarWars jokes)
The point I am trying to make though is that it is hard to be a Dominant. You put all this time and effort into another person. Who may have depression issues, past sexual abuse, or maybe just horrible ADHD and OCD. In some cases, they may have all that and more. In other cases that may have it all and want to be in little space and watch Disney movies for five days straight. Or the whole harry potter series in one day. When you started at Noon on a Saturday and have to stay up into Sunday just to make them happy.
As a Dominant, you take time and make an effort to give your partner what they need. Without any real reciprocation sometimes. You have to love your partner and be willing to sacrifice things for them. I have spent many a sleepless night just holding my submissive’s or reading them bedtime stories.
You do things to help build them up and in turn, they give you the greatest joy in the world. They give you the ability to call them yours and be the one who helps them grow into the beautiful woman you see under their skin.
I have watched as many of my previous partners have worked on themselves and built themselves into amazing women. They may have moved on with their lives and be in completely different places now but I am grateful to have been able to spend that time with them and show them that they could be more than what they were.
I am proud of every single one of them, and I wish them well.
That is what it takes to be a Dominant. A foundation of trust and respect, a want to guide and help others grow. Even if that means that sometimes they have to walk away. Sometimes you have to realize that you may not be best for someone. You also have to accept that sometimes you are the one keeping them from growing.
Which means you have to work on yourself more. Being a Dominant is a never-ending journey of self-reflection, growth, education and building others up to become the best that they can be. In the process, you yourself have to become the best you can be as well.