Relationships can get stale, they can get old, tired, and just plain not fun anymore.

So what do you do then, as a sub? Is it easier to move on and find some new Dominant who ignites your soul?  Or is it easier to work through the feelings of boredom and reignite that passion and flame?

In my opinion and experience to continue to build the relationship that I have with Uriel than to start all over. We have been together almost six years (in June 2018) and married since February 2016. We have a life together, fur babies, an apartment, so many possessions intertwined that it would be near impossible to say what is mine and what is his. Other than logistics no one knows me as great as he does. 6 freaking years together. He’s been there through my Master’s program, two different jobs for me, three for him, two moves, a dog, two cats, fish, and a turtle. No one has dealt with me like he has when I am sick, tired, and a brat. I can’t fully be myself around anyone else.

Our relationship has changed a lot over the past 6 years. When we first got together he said he was only ever going to have Poly-amorous relationships. Up until that point I was a monogamist (mainly out of not knowing any different). I thought I could change him- countless tears, talks, and self discovery I have finally realized that Uriel is who He is, and I don’t want to change that.

Enough about us, I am sorry for rambling…What are some ways to bring that spark back?

I am glad you asked becaause here is my top 10 list 🙂

  1.   Get away for the weekend and go explore somewhere new. Money is tight? Tell everyone you are headed out of town for the weekend, turn your phones off, and stay in the house. Explore each other all over again like you are brand new to each other. Maybe have sex in the kitchen, the dining room table, in the backyard? Get to know each other again- remember you are on vacation- either mentally or physically- so no chores, to-do lists, etc.
  2.   Plan a date night- doesn’t have to be expensive, grab your favorite meal and eat on a blanket on the living room floor. No phones, take time to really enjoy each other and get to know one another again. Play twenty questions, ask silly would you rather’s, just talk. Don’t get bogged down in the day to day- I hate my job bullshit. Focus on each other!
  3.   For those couples who are already into BDSM- have some playtime together. A co-worker and I were just talking about this today actually. So many subs I know are in charge of much of their day to day lives. Yes we may be submissive in texts, phone calls, wear a collar, but other than that we might not get time to really be in the sub mindset. That can feel like a huge worry. Some times we just need time to sit at your feet and worship you. (Same goes for Dominants…)
  4.  Explore something new together- is your partner into gaming and you shy away each time a controller is brought out? If you truly are anti-playing maybe give your partner a blowjob or finger them while they are playing. Or even better grab a controller and learn how to play. There are so many fun co-op games available- if you need suggestions contact Uriel 🙂
  5.  Explore a new kink or toy together. Have sex candles you haven’t ever used but always wanted to try? Ever wanted to see how many spankings you can take? Take the time to explore this with your partner. That raw emotion and energy that comes from times like these can really deepen your relationship. Plus- aftercare after! That’s always a fantastic time to check in with how you are both doing.
  6.  Journals- even when communication isn’t fun it is so important. When we used to live with one of Uriel’s exes we had communication journals. She and I had one, she and Uriel had one, and Uriel and I had one. We could write down our feelings, thoughts, what we were having trouble with, what was going well. We had gotten into the habit of listening so we could defend ourselves or reply, but had lost touch with how to listen and actually hear what the other person was saying. Communication journals are great because you both can get out everything you want to say without being interrupted.  Being heard is truly important.
  7.  Switch roles for a day or a week. No Dominant Dom-ly Ones that does not mean you are switching relationship roles. If you are the one who usually does the dishes and your partner feeds the animals- switch it up for a week. Take on their household chores while they do yours. If and when you decide to switch back you will have a greater appreciation for you both.
  8.  Sit down with your partner and discuss where you each want to be in a year. 3 years? 5-10 years? Write out your goals, hopes, and dreams separately and together. Maybe you want to be a Sr. Manager in 3 years, but with your partner you want to own a house. Writing down your goals – and yes, they can change- can help give you both focus and a sense of direction of where you are both wanting to go.
  9.  Have a silly date night. Maybe go mini-golfing, go on a scavenger hunt togehter, try baking a new recipe. Some activity that you both will enjoy and give you time to enjoy each others smiles, laughter, and personality.
  10. Be spontaneous- always have sex at night? Wake him up with a blow job (make sure you have consent!!!). You always choose what to make for dinner? Let your partner choose. Surprise them in the shower by joining them and washing their body. Throw their towel in the dryer before they get out so it is nice and warm. Whatever would make your partner smile and know you are thinking of them.

Bonus: For us- number 11 would have to be having other people to relate and talk to. I am talking with a friend tonight who messed up- slept with two different girls, and they both found out, and are mad at him. I can’t keep from thinking how that lifestyle is so different than Uriel’s and mine. When either of us is tired, sick, or not into sex IT’S OKAY. We don’t have pent up frustrations and anger towards each other. We can use other people to help us be the best partners possible for each other.

Disclaimer- this is coming from the idea of a relationship loosing the spark. If you are in an abusive relationship– regardless of spark– PLEASE GET HELP AND GET OUT. If there is physical, emotional, mental abuse happening in your relationship that is not healthy OR part of a Safe, Sane, Consensual BDSM or Vanilla relationship. Uriel and myself will do whatever we can to help you or connect you with resources that can help you better than we can. ~much loves~

If you give a Dominant your submission…

If you give a Dominant your submission he is going to want a blowjob…
If you give him a blowjob he is going to want to fuck you…
If he fucks you he is going to want to get alllllll the toys out…
If he gets alllll the toys out he is going to be tired after using them and want a sandwich…
If you make him a sandwich he is going to want a nap and cuddle after…
After his nap and cuddle, he is going to want to a blowjob…
After the blowjob, he is going to want to fuck your ass…
After he fucks your ass he is going to want to take a shower…
After the shower, he is going to want you to dry him off…
This is going to remind him that he needs to drink water…
After you fill his water bottle he is going to want to game…
While he games he is going to want a blowjob…
After he cums in your mouth he is going to want to simultaneously cuddle and use you as a footrest…
After you- you magical submissive you- figure out how to do both, he is going to decide he wants to go to bed….

And we all know a Dominant can’t sleep without a blowjob…

50 Shades of Gray…

50 Shades of Gray has its place.

 

There.

 

I said it.

 

Now, let me explain something.

 

I grew up very conservatively. Sexuality was wrong. Had to be modest at all times. Parents freaked out at the bikini my grandma bought me at age 6. At age 7 I had my dad telling me to cover my shoulders because I was showing too much skin. Church every Sunday and Wednesday. Christian school until I graduated High School. G-Rated movies until I started hiding my own movies. Mom had to approve all music on my iPod. Christian Teen Magazines. You get the picture.

Growing up this way a lot of my sexuality was repressed. I never had “the sex talk”, but I was given age appropriate Christian Books to read on “my changing body”.

I also started hiding A LOT. I started masturbating at age 4. I had frequent fantasies starting in middle school about “being forced” (what I would now recognize now as Consensual-Non-Consent. Those grew into fantasies of being owned and serving someone else. I thought I was a freak. I had NO idea that there was a whole other world that

I thought I was a freak. I thought I would never find a partner so I gave away my virginity a week after I turned 18. I felt like an outsider when everyone else seemed so “normal”.

I had NO idea that there was a whole other world where my kinks and fetishes were actually accepted.

In college, I found Erotica and Porn. I thought erotica was the greatest thing since I discovered vibrators. I found many types of erotica and porn that featured my interests and expanded what I was interested in. Through this, I started researching BDSM, and learning that my interests didn’t make me a bad person. I still wasn’t convinced. I didn’t know how my secret internet fantasies could ever be part of my real world life.

Now I was 20. Done with my freshman year of college and there was a book that came out that EVERYONE was reading. So I picked up a copy of all three 50 Shades of Gray books and read all three in 3 days. I was hooked. I knew enough from my research that what I was reading wasn’t real. But what it did do, was show me that I could be myself and that it was okay to explore my interests. It showed me that I maybe had some wild and intense fantasies, kinks, and interests but that I was still a person who could be loved, and that I could find someone to spend the rest of my life with.

A month after finishing 50 Shades I was browsing Craigslist. There was an ad posted by a guy who said he was a Dom looking for a submissive. We talked for a couple weeks and set up a time to meet. I had a friend who I trusted, she knew my location, we had a safeword, it was as safe as I could make this new scary situation.

That meeting didn’t go as planned. Long story short I was told to leave about an hour later. I went to the nearest bookstore and spent the next couple hours researching BDSM. I learned a lot, especially about how to show respect to Dom-types.

Thank goodness he gave me a second chance because we are about to celebrate 5 years of being together this summer.

~MelikaLocke