Relationships and kinks

I know I talk about relationships and how to keep one going as best you can a lot. One thing I have yet to talk about is when things go wrong or go too far.

With the lifestyle, there is a knifes edge between what is okay and what is abuse. More often than not we accept things as being okay when things are not okay.

For instance, if you are being punished when your partner is angry. Or punishing someone when you are angry. When things like this happen it can end up going farther than it should easily.

When a submissive says take out your pain and anger on me. That is a red flag to me. Not just because they aren’t expressing their limits but because I am afraid of myself. Every Dominant should be.

A Dominant’s job is to give the submissive what they need but they also need to understand that you can’t go all out on things. (Yeah, sure the submissive may have a high pain tolerance but a dominant should always hold back.)

Reasons for this are because if you let go you are not in control and can cause multiple issues with the submissive if you are not in control. The submissive gives the Dominant control and the instant they don’t have control then they are not a Dominant they are an abuser.

This brings me to different fetishes and kinks. There are a lot of people out there right now that are into a lot of things. Some that can be considered flags if not red flags are breeding or impregnation. Don’t get me wrong. I have these.

The issue with them is when you aren’t in a long-term relationship with the person and they are not on some form of birth control. Then you decide to breed someone. This can lead to a lot of issues on the man’s side.

If you as a Dominant breed someone and you aren’t in a relationship and said person just wants a baby or whatever. Yeah, that is hot but all that needs to happen is the woman has a paternity test ran on the child, and if they think it is yours at all they can link that child to you. Which can destroy your life.

There are a lot of pros and cons when it comes to things. Don’t get me wrong. Does breeding some random woman sound hot. Yeah, does it sound fun. Sure, but you have to be careful. This goes for bulls as well if you are into the hotwife or any derivative of that kink.

If she gets pregnant she can take you for everything you are worth.

I am not saying don’t have those kinks or fetishes. Nor am I saying don’t play them out. Just make sure that you are both ready for it along with its repercussions.

In today’s society, you can’t go on any form of social media without seeing some form of these kinks or fetishes. The key is to understand that just because you want these things doesn’t mean that they have to be real right now.

I have to remind myself that with Mother Lilith often. With the loss of our first. I have felt the need to try and get her pregnant again. The issue is I have to know that she is ready to be again. There are a lot of emotional, physical, and mental things that happen to a woman when she is pregnant. Things that as a man I know I may never truly understand.

What I do understand though is the fact that she may not be emotionally, mentally, or even physically ready to get pregnant again. So, I have to consider all that and talk with her about what she thinks and feels. It isn’t about just me. It is a relationship.

Both parties have a say. If it is a one-time thing and they just want a baby it could lead to some very bad things in life. There are also those couples that want a child but for some reason the guy can’t which can be okay if everything is done right.

Some people don’t have the money for the medical stuff to be done, so they look to the more natural way for things to work.

Just be cautious about things is all I am saying.

Just because you share the same kinks and fetishes doesn’t mean that you share them the same way. Some women may have a breeding kink and actually want to be bred or impregnated while a guy may just want to cum inside.

Talk to your partner whenever you have questions. Try to understand each other and work together towards a common goal. Never assume things, or force them. That leads to mistrust and abuse in the long term.

If you are a Dominant man and you end up getting a woman pregnant. My best suggestion is to talk with her and find out what she wants. If she just wants to have an abortion. Never tell her to get one. You can suggest it but never force or order them to. Support her through that. It isn’t easy to do that, and as a man, we will never know the pain a woman goes through in having an abortion.

If they choose to keep it and have a miscarriage be there for them. Help lift them up and understand that their emotions will be all over the place. You have to be their rock during this time. Do everything you can to help them see you are there to love and support them. Never downplay any of their feelings, that will just end up breaking them down in the end.

In the end, every one of us should be honorable and caring towards our partners. It is our job to support them through anything they are going through. From depression to other traumatic things. It is our job to be their rock just like it is their job to do the same for us when we are falling apart.

Building the Foundation

Starting out in BDSM there can be a lot of questions a lot of miss understandings and a lot of things that seem pointless.

Understanding why things are the way they are in actually integral to the growth of a person within the lifestyle.

For those new to the lifestyle or, those coming into the lifestyle due to their interest in 50 shades of grey or other BDSM novels or forms of media. I have to lay out the foundation.

BDSM is based on a mutual agreement of consent and trust. I haven’t really gone to much into depth on that topic due to the fact that I wasn’t sure how to actually go about it.

As a Dominant, we take on a lot of responsibilities. We put aside our own needs in order to take care of and help our partners grow. Yes, there are aspects where we get what we need, but there are many more aspects where we have to push our needs aside. To give our submissives the guidance and insight that we have.

Being a Dominant isn’t just telling your submissive to do something. It is building respect and trust.

You can’t just go into a relationship and expect your partner to do what you say at the drop of a hat. Or force them to do as you command and if they don’t you punish them. That is abuse. Forcing someone to obey you isn’t the Dominant or Alpha thing to do. In fact, it shows how little you know or understand about BDSM.

On the flip side though if you are submissive and you expect your partner to understand your needs without first building upon their knowledge base of how you act and what you do. Or your needs. You are causing the abuse in some cases.

Newcomers to the lifestyle should always communicate with their partners, about their needs and wants. In some cases, the submissive has to educate the Dominant in specific ways. So they understand how to do what the submissive needs. It also can go in the opposite direction where the Dominant has to teach the submissive. (More often this is the case that I have experienced.)

Now I will throw out the aspect of the switch. If you are a switch you have a lot on your plate especially if you are coming into a relationship with someone who is new to the lifestyle. You may need to teach your partner or partners what you need. Along with actually teaching them how the lifestyle works.

I will say this also if you are having a one-night stand with someone or are doing a booty call, met them at a bar, or what have you. You should never and I will reiterate. You should never do any form of BDSM play with them. You don’t know them. There is no trust or mutual respect.

If you are a Dominant and your partner doesn’t respect you. It doesn’t mean you are a bad Dominant. It could mean that your submissive isn’t a submissive. The same goes for a submissive. If your Dom doesn’t respect you then they may not be a Dom.

Spend time getting to know the person beforehand and build some form of bond with them. Find out if you have similar interests, kinks, fetishes, or ideas for play. Never agree to anything you aren’t comfortable with. If someone forces you to agree to something that you aren’t comfortable with.

It isn’t Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Those three tenants are basically laws when it comes to BDSM.. Now one can force you to do anything you don’t want to do. If they try to, leave.

In all my years in the lifestyle. I have learned a lot. From what it takes to be a Dominant, to how to treat other Dominants. Never betray the trust or respect of anyone.

A tip that I could give any submissive though is to honor your Dom give them the trust, love, and respect that they deserve. If they don’t deserve it then don’t give it to them. ( To all the Brats and switches who tend to be brats, I know what you are thinking and don’t even think about it. Stop it now. Be the good girl I know you are and do as you are told)

Something that I have learned is to question myself as a Dom and what I can do to become a better person. Part of being a better partner in this lifestyle is actually being a better person. Working on yourself and building your knowledge base can be a big help. Also, patience is huge. They say it is a virtue and I think it is key in this lifestyle if you are a Dominant. Every submissive you have will test you and question you. They will make you want to go home and rethink your life. With no death sticks involved. (Sorry, StarWars jokes)

The point I am trying to make though is that it is hard to be a Dominant. You put all this time and effort into another person. Who may have depression issues, past sexual abuse, or maybe just horrible ADHD and OCD. In some cases, they may have all that and more. In other cases that may have it all and want to be in little space and watch Disney movies for five days straight. Or the whole harry potter series in one day. When you started at Noon on a Saturday and have to stay up into Sunday just to make them happy.

As a Dominant, you take time and make an effort to give your partner what they need. Without any real reciprocation sometimes. You have to love your partner and be willing to sacrifice things for them. I have spent many a sleepless night just holding my submissive’s or reading them bedtime stories.

You do things to help build them up and in turn, they give you the greatest joy in the world. They give you the ability to call them yours and be the one who helps them grow into the beautiful woman you see under their skin.

I have watched as many of my previous partners have worked on themselves and built themselves into amazing women. They may have moved on with their lives and be in completely different places now but I am grateful to have been able to spend that time with them and show them that they could be more than what they were.

I am proud of every single one of them, and I wish them well.

That is what it takes to be a Dominant. A foundation of trust and respect, a want to guide and help others grow. Even if that means that sometimes they have to walk away. Sometimes you have to realize that you may not be best for someone. You also have to accept that sometimes you are the one keeping them from growing.

Which means you have to work on yourself more. Being a Dominant is a never-ending journey of self-reflection, growth, education and building others up to become the best that they can be. In the process, you yourself have to become the best you can be as well.

The Dominant Trope

Over the years I have been in the BDSM lifestyle, I have learned a lot about myself and what it means to be a Dominant. A lot of people seem to think that being loud and upfront makes you Dominant. There is a difference between being domineering and being Dominant.

Telling people what to do and putting yourself out there and making sure people know that you are in charge isn’t a dominant trait at all. It is more of a submissive or beta trait by showing you have to be hard over everyone else.

Yes, there are alpha males that are loud and boisterous but the issue is with that is that they lead by voice and tell others what to do. Sometimes that can be in the workplace or even in the bedroom.

The joke is on them though. You can’t control other people even if you think you can. Doing things this way tends to be manipulative and can get you into some hot water with your bosses or partners.

Some think it is just confidence that makes someone Dominant. That is a part of it but it isn’t the whole aspect.

Over time I have realized what type of Dominant I am or what type of person I am so to speak.

You have the Alpha’s who usually lead the pack. So you have those who are part of the football team and are the leaders there. Or they may lead groups or be in charge of groups at work.

I on the other hand am more of a Sigma male. I let my actions speak louder than my words. I take steps to move forward even when I don’t make myself heard. I don’t have to have the validation of a group of people or co-workers.

I do it for myself to be a better version of myself.

They say that confidence is key, but it is a lot more than that. You have to have control over yourself and your life as well. You can’t be a Dominant or an Alpha of any kind and have your life falling apart.

You have to be true to yourself also. If you aren’t you are just faking it and will be found out by everyone around you.

Let me give you an example of this.

It is the difference between saying

“You’re mine”

and
“You are mine”

Someone who doesn’t care about the ownership of something will say it is mine. Or you’re mine. Someone who cares will show that they care by the words that they use. That is mine, I own it. Or you are mine.

Being who you are as a dominant can be hard in today’s anti-masculine male culture. Where women want simps and beta males who are only good for lifting the feminist up and feeding their ego’s

Being a Dominant male, an Alpha or a Sigma male is frowned upon. Due to our masculinity alone. We threaten their mindset of dominance in the world. Where women have the power.

That isn’t to say that in a BDSM relationship that they don’t have the power. The funny thing about all of the feminist movements to me is that women have always been in power throughout history. From being able to pick and choose the strongest fittest male partner to raise a family with. To having, the say in what a Dominant can do during play. To what the submissive is okay with happing.

Women have always had the power to control everything. Nothing happens in a relationship without a woman saying it can happen.

(Yes, I know there are those pieces of shit who use and take advantage of women and use drugs to get what they want)

But, outside of all of that, the woman has the choice to choose what is allowed to happen. They always have had that choice. Any real relationship is based upon what the woman wants. What she will allow.

It isn’t based upon how dominant a man is. Or how they look or act. Yes, a woman may find specific things attractive but, they have a choice to allow said man to do anything to them or not.

I am all for female equality in the workplace, politics, and everything else in the world.

What I am also for is the man having a say in what happens in the relationship.

Everything should be a two-way street both ways for either gender.

Blaming Dominant men for the way women act or why they do what they do is a fallacy, to begin with.

There is a generation of people that see Straight white men. Or Cis( why the fuck to I now have a stupid acronym like everyone else) As the enemy. Women see them as the main issue with society.

When in fact the issue is that there are people in power who would rather make everyone focus on internal issues and make us blind to what is actually going on. Instead of cutting the head off the snake in the garden. (So to speak)

Those that fuel these issues are the loudest. Do we call women who scream and yell about how men are evil dominant? Do we call women who say K.A.M dominant?

The answer is no, we don’t we call them Karen or a crazy bitch, because they are. Generalizing a gender and singling them out does nothing to affirm their position as feminists. In fact, it destroys their fight for feminism because there are men like myself who support women’s rights, and yet, as a white dominant male I am seen as the enemy…

Do, you understand my point and what I am getting at here?

The societal norm says feminism is good. When equality is good. Fighting a fight for only one group of people is like plugging one hole in a water balloon. Or scooping water out of a boat with a bucket. When there is a giant hole in the boat.

Dominance isn’t about being loud; it isn’t about being in control. It is about being trusted enough to be given control over something or someone. It is about not breaking that trust and making that thing grow and become something better. It could be a task at work and making a plan with co-workers. It could be a submissive giving you control over their sexual needs.

Dominance is about responsibility. It is about being willing to take up that responsibility and not betraying it. It is about taking control of yourself and doing things even if you don’t want to and doing them for the better. It is doing things that will better yourself and others.

It is up to every one of us to find out if we are dominant or not. It is up to us to take steps to make things the way we want them. We have to take responsibility for our actions and words. We have to take action to become better versions of ourselves. We have to dig deep and fight our demons.

None of life is easy. Nor should it be. If it was we wouldn’t grow. Or become the people we were meant to be. We would sit around and watch netflix all day.

Being Dominant is much more than just telling your submissive to blow you. It is mind over matter, it is having the drive to learn more about BDSM. It is wanting to know what drives your partner (Or what drives them crazy)

The act of being Dominant is a verb it means you are doing something. You can’t just sit on your ass and be dominant. You have to do things to be Dominant. So get out there and be the Dominant you were born to be

Facing the Darkness

I know that I have told you all to work through your issues and to build yourself up. I know that I have told you to acknowledge your failures and work forward through them. 

Yet, I never take my advice. It took Mother Lilith calling me out on some things. I have said before that I had a troubled past. There is a lot of trauma there. The problem is, I never knew how to work through it. 

For decades I pushed it aside and pretended it never existed. I let it eat me alive. From the fear of succeeding and failing. To self-doubt and self-loathing. I never knew how to deal with it or work through it.

I let it consume me and eat me alive, from the darkest of times where I tasted the barrel of a gun to times where my self-hatred became anger towards others around me.

I let it sabotage every relationship I have ever had, friendships, relationships with partners I loved and cared for, to my relationship with my family. I let it destroy who I thought I was. 

It is like a demon. Or another person who is there and takes over every once in a while. It makes me sabotage my relationships and makes me second guess myself. Or if I am good enough for anyone.

The self-doubt and anger towards myself have destroyed me. In turn, it has destroyed my relationships with those I love. 

Facing this darkness has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Heck, dealing with the trauma and neglect was easier. 

Being face to face with myself for the first time in I don’t know how long. Makes me realize that I allowed myself to become someone I never wanted to be. I allowed myself to become my father and my mother in one person. 

I allowed my anger towards them to be aimed at myself. Like I did something wrong. As if it was my fault as to why things are the way they are. 

Which in truth it is my fault. In a way. I allowed myself to fall into myself and hide. I let the feelings eat me alive to the point that I have no idea how to feel. Or what emotions feel like due to only feeling anger and pain. All of which is aimed at me for the things I have done. Or is it the things I think I have done?

This realization, that I have no idea what emotions feel like except anger and pain, was a very eye opening realization. 

I was angry at the world for existing. I hated living so to speak. Like I never asked to be here but here I am. The existential dred of every day was like waking up to another day of being ate alive.

Realizing that this anger is misplaced and should be let go so that I can grow. Kind of hurt if that makes sense. It’s like having baggage that you have been carrying around for most of your life only to realize that it isn’t supposed to be there.

It took a fight between Mother Lilith and I and her sending me a link over facebook for me to realize what I have been doing for decades. 

Ill leave the link here so that if any men need it it may help them as well. It may also help women understand what every man goes thought daily. 

As someone who finally realizes why and how. I also realize that I am the only one that can change it. I am the only one that can take that first step. 

It took Mother Lilith telling me how I always talk about learning and growing but I wasn’t practicing what I preach. I was letting my emotions dictate my actions. Which isn’t the way things should be. 

It is funny when you are okay with walking through a war zone but afraid of facing your feelings. Can you be considered brave for fearing who you are changing into someone else? Is it better to try and fail than to not try at all?

I know that I could survive hell, but the question is can I survive my hell. 

For some dumb reason, I have the words to a stupid song stuck in my head. Just do the next right thing. The question is what is right? How do I find that out? 

Well, there is always the journey and that will tell you if it is the right thing or not. You may not know it at the time but, that next right thing can change your world. 

So, as a man if you are going through anything like this you need to keep fighting. Sometimes it is easier to fight flesh and blood than it is to fight your demons but your demons are the only thing you have to defeat. 

Your mind can be your worst enemy. Don’t let it be. Make it your gratest ally. 

Work on yourself and build yourself into the person you want to be. Don’t listen to the voices in your head or those around you. Be the person you need to be, not for them. For you. Be the person that drives you.

Building Bonds

This community is all about building rapport and bonds with others. You can’t just jump in and expect to have someone want to be your play partner. (If that does happen, run) You have to get to know the person. 

In this post, I am going to give you some tips and tricks on how to talk to someone in the lifestyle. 

  1. Always be open and honest
  2. Don’t say you are into something if you aren’t
  3. Be respectful. 
  4. Make sure that they have time to talk and are heard. 
  5. Spend time with them and get to know them as a person first.
  6. Treat them like a person. They are first and foremost a person over your play partner.

Yeah sure, you might be excited to have a new play partner and it might be a lot of fun to just jump into things.

Make sure you are both compatible as well. Not everyone is into what you are and not everyone is okay with candle wax or pins. Different strokes for different folks. 

You also should discuss sex and if it is acceptable for your partner. Some play sessions don’t need sex. Sometimes it is just a scene and aftercare. Sometimes aftercare can lead to sex. (Depending on your partner and if you are in a relationship with them or not)

A few hints here

  1. Never assume anything
  2. Consent is always needed for everything. Always ask first
  3. Safewords are just that. If they are used. Follow them…
  4. Be prepared to get your partner out of those ropes/chains or whatever at a moment’s notice.
  5. For the love of everything that is Holy. Learn where people’s pressure points and nerve endings are… So that you don’t damage them

Sure you may want some awesome scenes and try to push your partner but sometimes life happens and you can’t do the exact thing you wanted to do. Oh well, maybe next time. Don’t get but hurt or tell your partner that they disappointed you. They don’t deserve to be punished for your lack of being flexible. 

I can’t tell you how many times I have had a partner start her period during play, and I had to stop due to her cramping or other issues. As a Dominant, your partner’s needs come first yours come last. Always.

I can hear every sub out there screaming at me about how our needs come first, but in reality, it kind of is a two-way street in many cases. We as the Dom’s put our partner first whereas the subs do the same thing.

As a sub, if you can’t take it or continue tell your Dom. As a Dom be able to judge things with your partner. I have had to stop or call things off due to my sub thinking she could take this or that only to have them realize they can’t and try to please me or be stubborn and try to push through. 

If you ask any of my previous partners, I have a paddle that I haven’t ever been able to actually use to its full potential due to how much it hurts them. I can only use my wrist when using it. I can’t put my full force behind it. Yay for amazing paddles. 

Back on topic though. As a Dom, you need to be able to feel out a situation and know the point at which your sub is being stubborn. The same goes for subs though too. Some Dominants will go easy on you and end up babying you. If that is not what you want then you need to push your Dom… 

I do not condone being a brat. In fact, I want every brat out there to be a good girl or boy for their Dom. I do know that sometimes you need to be put in your place though because if you aren’t you will act out and end up being an even worse brat. So, know that there is a fine line between pushing your Dom to get what you want and pushing your Doms buttons to piss them off.

You need to build a line of open communication with each other. You need to be able to trust each other with your lives, hopes, and dreams. In some cases, it can even be beneficial if you are connected enough to read each other’s minds.

(It helps you and your partner reach sub and dom space faster) 

Be one with your partner. 

No little Johnny, I said to be one with your partner not be in your partner.

That isn’t to say that as a sub you can’t want your partner inside you just make sure that you gave consent and they did as well. Then it is all good.

Ladies and Gentleman

I know my last post was kind of off the wall and out in left field, but it needed to be said. I needed time to put myself back together. I needed to get my head right after our loss.

The good news? I am back baby!

Part of me missed this blog. I am glad I am back and with that out of the way let’s get to the nitty-gritty of it.

With everything going on in the world as of late, I think it would be a good time to point out a way to relieve stress. Which does pertain to adult fun.

This post is going to be more about the sex aspect than the BDSM aspect. I know that some people may be into free use or public or possibly even some kinky shit.

The thing to remember is though, is that it is to please both you and your partner. Sometimes you need to take a time out and just be normal I guess I could say.

I have been trying to take my time with taking care of Mother Lilith’s needs and I enjoy it. Remember that it isn’t always about your needs and your desires. It is about both of you. If your partner wants to have a day of just cuddling on the couch and watching Disney movies. You should do it even if you hate princess Disney movies. Even if all you got Disney plus for was for the Marvel, and Star Wars movies….

Sometimes you need to take time out and treat your partner as a person. Even if they are being a brat and throw fits.

Your partner may be acting out because they aren’t getting the attention they need from you in the way they need it. I have had this issue with multiple different partners.

Sometimes just being a couple and having a normal evening with normal sex can be the most passionate thing in the world.

Along with the fact sometimes you may need it as well to recharge. Which is something I know I have had issues with dong since we moved to Sin City.

Taking time out of our busy lives to be there for our partners can be the greatest part of their day even without us knowing it. So as a Dominant go buy your partner that Starbucks coffee. Or make them their favorite dinner.

Do little things and show them that outside of the lifestyle that they mean something to you.

BDSM Baking

I know, I know the title sounds dumb but hear me out.

I have spent a lot of time trying to understand BDSM as a whole along with its cultural impacts across the board. From people being more open about who they are and what they are okay with. To the fantasy of many people which is not being in control. Or giving up control.

This is why I am naming this BDSM Baking. I can’t bake worth a damn but what I can do is wait and be patient. Just like in baking you have to wait for all the ingredients to finish baking each one takes a different time and temperature. You aren’t going to bake brownies at 100 degrees for 6 hours but you will turn it up to 450 and cook it for a half-hour.

Everything in this lifestyle takes time. From learning about it and researching about what aspect calls more to you. To finding that partner that is the right fit.

There is a joke going around that Norse Paganism is the religion of homework. Well, BDSM is the lifestyle of homework. You have to know what you are talking about. You can’t just jump in headlong and participate in aspects of BDSM that could injure, or even harm someone. You have to know the person’s limits along with your own.

Something that I have been seeing a lot more of these days are people who have no real idea what their own personal limits are.

I have been contacted on multiple social media outlets and other forms of chats and groups. Only to find that many people say that they have no limits. Which is a red flag. Another issue I see is that even if they have no limits they assume that you have none as well or tell you that you shouldn’t have any.

Which is flat out wrong.

Understanding and letting the batter set before it goes into the oven can be key sometimes in this lifestyle. Just because you are interested in it and want to jump in doesn’t mean you should right off the bad. Get to know potential play partners. Make sure you can trust them.

In society today and how dating has become one night stands or fwbs being into bdsm is well for the lack of a better term a fetish. People are doing increasingly more risky things to get themselves off.

So, my suggestion to you all is let the baking process take place before you eat your cake. If you do it right you can have your cake and eat it too. It just takes a little time.

Philosophy vs. Psychology

In BDSM, there has always been a battle that every person, has had to deal with. That battle is between the philosophy vs. the psychology of the lifestyle.

The psychology is the personal aspect of BDSM and the impact on an individual person. Whereas philosophy is the reality of the lifestyle. Think of it this way. If as a Dominant you expect your submissive to be nake in the house at all times. Psychologically, you could see that working. Yet, philosophically you realize that there are times where your submissive should be clothed.

The ideas behind the psychology of BDSM are originally what drew me to the lifestyle. Over time though I learned that the philosophy was actually more important than the psychology of the lifestyle. As a young Dominant, I had delusions of grandeur. I had dreams of a polyamorous relationship where I had a harem of submissives and would have all these submissives at my beck and call. Over time though I realized that the thought of it was what made me enjoy it. Where in practice I know for a fact that I couldn’t please more than a few women at a time.

(Note: I am still a dork and would enjoy a harem, but I realize that it is a fantasy at this point)

A person’s thoughts on what works in the lifestyle change as they truly start to understand the philosophy of the lifestyle. The psychology of the lifestyle says, me and mine. I take what I want as a Dominant. The philosophy says your partner is human and should be treated as such first then add the fun aspects of things.

I can’t tell you how many times I have thought about fantasies that I have had and wanted to make them a reality. Yet, in reality, I know that those thoughts may never come to fruition.

We as the human race have always had issues with this inner battle we have. Which crosses over from our normal lives into every aspect of who we are. From our beliefs and interests to how we act and let others perceive us.

When I was just getting started in the lifestyle I was naive like everyone else. I thought I knew everything. Which of course I didn’t Over the years I have learned to be humble and I had to take a look at the psychology of BDSM and the philosophy of it as well in order to understand myself better.

Life has its ups and downs. We all go through things. You and your partner may be on different pages. Heck, you may not even be in the same book sometimes. That is where this thought process came from for me.

I have spent a lot of time trying to build relationships with previous partners in order to try and keep everything kosher. Only to realize that my psychology behind the lifestyle isn’t the same as others. Only then did I look at the philosophy and realize that the philosophy is something we can all agree upon. In the philosophy of the lifestyle, we have the tenents and the laws of BDSM so to speak.

The psychology of the lifestyle has all of our own personal beliefs and thoughts on the lifestyle. Which are not always understood by everyone. For instance, some people are into water sports or Master/slave relationships. Others not so much. This is where BDSM becomes more personal. This is where the thought that BDSM is different for everyone comes in.

The philosophy of it is the premise of the lifestyle. It gives us the guidelines and helps lead us into what aspects we as individuals click with.

So, my question is to all of you. Do you feel the same way I do? Do you understand things the same way? Or am I just crazy? I would like to hear your perspectives on this topic.

What is a Dominant

According to dictionary.com Dominant means most important, powerful, or influential.

So, I have to ask is your Dom the most important, powerful, or influential in your life? Do they show these traits in their own life? Are they driven? Are they in control of their actions? Their emotions?

A Dominant isn’t someone who has no backbone. A Dominant draws a line in the sand and if it is crossed usually there is hell to pay. A Dominant will protect what is there’s like an alpha wolf. Yet, they can be calm, cool, and collected.

I have a lot of patience and can roll with the punches until it hits that line. Then I go from being the nicest guy to being the Dominant I am.

It is my job as a Dominant to protect, teach, and nurture my partner and those I help learn about the lifestyle. I have taken many under my wing over the years. I have also had to put my foot down a few times. Due to some people on Fetlife.

The funny thing is that I am so mild-mannered until that line is reached that you wouldn’t even know it. I don’t see a reason to force my Dominance on anyone, nor do I feel the need to shout from the mountains that I am Dominant. I would rather let those who prefer the pissing contest to do their thing and sit back while I smoke a nice cigar and drink my scotch. ( I prefer Ardbeg 10)

The fact that many Dominants feel the need to shout and kick and scream that they are Dominants makes me laugh. I mean I understand in the sea of Dominants everyone of them wants to be heard and seen. They want to have all the submissives and be the most Domly Dom to ever Dom. All while picking and choosing their submissives from the greats of the flocks of submissives who throw themselves at them only to realize that they don’t know a damn thing about BDSM. (Chuckles)

All while I would rather let the submissive choose me. I would rather sit here and watch the world burn so to speak than to act like a child. Which is what many of the younger Dominants do.

Every person in the lifestyle is exactly that, a person. They are a person before they are whatever role they choose. Which is how they should be treated. There should also be an interview process before anyone chooses or picks to play with someone else. There should be at least a few weeks of getting to know them and understanding their knowledge in the lifestyle.

Yet, people jump into playing with someone they met a few days ago. I have seen so many posts on Facebook groups, Reddit groups, and other places where a submissive jumps into a scene with a so-called “Dominant” who doesn’t understand the meaning of a safeword.

This pisses me off because if someone would take the time to get to know or even understand a person before they play with someone maybe things like this wouldn’t happen.

Plus, on top of that, we have websites like Fetlife which doesn’t do a damn thing about people who use the site to prey upon unsuspecting new people in the lifestyle. Don’t get me wrong it isn’t their place to police the community but it is their place to police their site. If someone in a local community has committed any offense the community should excommunicate said person. Yet, you have clicks in the community that will either support that person or just not care.

It is our job as members of the community to keep the community safe. Yet, very little is ever done to protect the younger generation or those who are new in the lifestyle.

As a Dominant it is mine, your and all of our jobs to make sure that those in the lifestyle are safe. Especially those who don’t know any better.

As Dominants, it is our job to lead by example. It is our job to make sure that younger Dominants understand what is and isn’t okay.

I know I went on a tangent here and I apologize, but I am calling myself out along with every other Dominant out there to be the leader that they should be. Not the whiney annoying cry baby that many are today.

We should respect when someone says no, or the safeword. We should protect and defend those just coming into the lifestyle. We should reach out to those who are new and help them learn the basics. BDSM is different for everyone but the basics are the same.

So, if you are a Dominant and you see or hear anything about a new person in your community, befriend them and help them when they ask or need it. Make sure that they are protected. (Especially the submissives) I am tired of hearing about submissives being abused by fake Dominant and hurt and having them leave the lifestyle because of a few bad apples. Those apples should be kicked out of the community. So that it is safe and a good place for those who are interested to learn
Protect your community and your partners. Protect what is your and protect what isn’t. We as Dominants should be respectable, honorable, and strike like a berserker if something goes wrong. It is our job to protect and defend so step it up Dominants!

Mentoring the opposite role

  There has been something within the lifestyle that has been bugging me for a long time. This all came to a head when I was contacted by a submissive on my blog and then ended up chatting with her over a chat app. 

I have to say this hits me to the core of who I am and the reason why I made this blog, to begin with. I created this blog to help educate and counsel those who are lost within the lifestyle. I created it to help keep so-called “Dominants” from abusing submissives. I did this to reach out with all my own personal knowledge of the lifestyle.

The topic of today’s post is this. So-called Dominants and Mentors piss me off to no end. They make what I do a joke a laughing stoke and I take it as a threat and a jab at what I do and who I am when I hear about these so-called individuals using and hurting potential submissives. 

What they don’t understand is that through their actions they are making me and others like me look bad. Not only that but they are hurting the submissive and could possibly keep that person from experiencing how amazing BDSM can be. It sickens me that there are those out there who play the part only to get what they want out of someone.

I am sorry if I seem a little heated, but enough is e-fucking-nough. The basis of this post lights a fire within me because I have seen so many amazing submissives get hurt by these idiots and morons. I wish I could spend five minutes alone with these uneducated pompous assholes. 

The Rules for Mentors

  1. A mentor is never to do anything sexual with a submissive unless the submissive asks for it. 
  2.  As a mentor, your job is to teach and educate
  3. You are the safety net for the submissive. You oversee everything
  4. It is your job to guide and protect the submissive
  5. When the mentoring process is over. You have two choices either work things out with your submissive and take them on as your own. Or help them find a compatible Dominant that has been vetted and has been cleared. You let them go so that they can grow and learn more
  6. You can’t teach someone everything. 
  7. Experience doesn’t always mean you are right. 

Rules for newcomers to the lifestyle who are looking for a Mentor/ Dom

  1. Make sure you can trust the person
  2. Never allow them power over you in a mentoring aspect they are the teacher and you are the learner. They can’t control you
  3. If they force play or anything sexual they aren’t a Mentor or Dom
  4. They are there to be your protector and your guardian of sorts. If they don’t act as such, they shouldn’t be your Mentor or Dom
  5. You should never have to question their motives. 
  6. If you have questions ask. If they give you bullshit answers they aren’t worth your time.
  7. Don’t just jump into a Mentor or Dom/sub relationship make sure you know the person. Take your time.

This topic makes me hot to the point that I want to reach out and touch some people. What I do isn’t a joke. It isn’t something I only do sometimes. I am always here trying to help educate and inform those who are willing to listen or learn. 

Sorry for the heated post but it needed to be said.