Lasting Impressions

I have been in the lifestyle for over fifteen years and I have to say that over the years. Many people have left lasting impressions. From my mentor, previous partners. Some may think that they leave lasting impressions due to sexual attraction. Or how much knowledge they have. 

Yet, I would be amiss if I didn’t mention those who have helped me grow and understand myself over the years I have been in this lifestyle. 

From those who were play partners for a time. To those who have stuck around and helped me realize things about myself that I didn’t want to even admit to myself.

This lifestyle has become a part of who I am, and in doing so it has become part of my life’s journey to become the best version of myself that I could become. I have spent so much time trying to build myself as someone who knows a lot about the lifestyle. That I forget where I came from. 

I forget to look back on where I began and how every step I took back then has helped me grow into the person I am today. 

Life can impact a person in weird ways. From your childhood to your teen years. You slowly become a person you never would of thought you would become. As a child you always wanted to be and adult and didnt’ really live. We spent so much time wondering what it would be like that we forgot to live. 

As an adult we have even less time to reflect and understand what it took to get to where we are today. Our personal growth started so long ago and we forget that it takes time and expect it to happen automattically now. Especlially in a world where instant gratification can be seen by everyone by making one post online. We forget to stop and smell the roses. 

As a kid I never knew what that saying ment. I even thougt it was stupid, yet here I am as an adult wishing I took more time to smell the roses. We take so many things for granted and forget that we have space and time to grow.

We have time to reflect and slow down. We just have to take the time. Yet, we would rather spend time doing pointless things like watching TV or scrolling social media. 

As kids we were willing to do what ever it took to reach what we wanted. Especially if it was our favorite snack or treat. Yet, as adults we let ourselves think that those things are unattainable when all we have to do is reach for them. 

We have let ourselves be blind to what we want. We let the world pull the wool over our eyes and become sheep. We follow all the latest trends to stay relavent and hip. (Lol I used the word hip) We let life drag us down and we forget how strong we are. 

We have survived so much as people. Everyone of us has fought our war against our demons. We have pushed through pain and agony on so many different levels only to allow ourselves to become mundane and boring. 

All we have to do is change our mind set. Oddly enough being thankful for everyone around us can help put life into more perspective. I know this better than most. 

With all the people who have come into and walked out of my life due to their own choices or mine. They have helped me realize that I could be a better person. They have shown me that I can grow and become the person I want to be. 

Yet, for so many years I let myself fall into depression and alcholism. I let my demons win. I thought I was worthless even while telling all of you that you can be everything you want to be. I lied to myself all while trying to help you. 

Realizing this has made me try to be different and better. I have tried to work on myself more. Then you throw in this past year and everything we all have been through. Some of us have been more devistated than others. Yet, we are human and we all deal with pain differently. 

I know that sometimes working through the pain hurts. I know that loosing someone hurt, but in the end you will be stornger for it. Not just because you are angry either. Understanding that pain can be the first step in growth is something I have had to come to terms with. 

For those of you that understand this. As a Taurus I hate change. I have fought it tooth and nail for most of my life. I never wanted to have to pull myself out of my mindset. Or to deal with my issues. I know some of you don’t either. I understand how it feels and how fear can keep you from moving forward.

I have had to come to terms with change over the years and it has been a slow process. It wasn’t until I got with Mother Lilith that I realized that I had to change for both of us and not just for my partner. She has brought it to my attention and made me realize it. (Yes, other partners have brought it up but I was blind and didn’t want to see it.)

It is a choice to become better, one that takes steps every day. We have to choose to become better, and we have to move with that choice not against it.

I will end this post with a quote. Oddly enough it is from a kidshow on Netflix. If you haven’t seen it yet, you should watch Trollhunters

Destiny is… a gift. Some go their entire lives, living existences of quiet desperation, never learning the truth about what feels as though a burden pushing down upon our shoulders, is actually a sense of purpose that lifts us to greater heights. Never forget that fear is but the precursor to valor, that to strive and triumph in the face of fear is what it means to be a hero. Don’t think. Become.

Relationships and kinks

I know I talk about relationships and how to keep one going as best you can a lot. One thing I have yet to talk about is when things go wrong or go too far.

With the lifestyle, there is a knifes edge between what is okay and what is abuse. More often than not we accept things as being okay when things are not okay.

For instance, if you are being punished when your partner is angry. Or punishing someone when you are angry. When things like this happen it can end up going farther than it should easily.

When a submissive says take out your pain and anger on me. That is a red flag to me. Not just because they aren’t expressing their limits but because I am afraid of myself. Every Dominant should be.

A Dominant’s job is to give the submissive what they need but they also need to understand that you can’t go all out on things. (Yeah, sure the submissive may have a high pain tolerance but a dominant should always hold back.)

Reasons for this are because if you let go you are not in control and can cause multiple issues with the submissive if you are not in control. The submissive gives the Dominant control and the instant they don’t have control then they are not a Dominant they are an abuser.

This brings me to different fetishes and kinks. There are a lot of people out there right now that are into a lot of things. Some that can be considered flags if not red flags are breeding or impregnation. Don’t get me wrong. I have these.

The issue with them is when you aren’t in a long-term relationship with the person and they are not on some form of birth control. Then you decide to breed someone. This can lead to a lot of issues on the man’s side.

If you as a Dominant breed someone and you aren’t in a relationship and said person just wants a baby or whatever. Yeah, that is hot but all that needs to happen is the woman has a paternity test ran on the child, and if they think it is yours at all they can link that child to you. Which can destroy your life.

There are a lot of pros and cons when it comes to things. Don’t get me wrong. Does breeding some random woman sound hot. Yeah, does it sound fun. Sure, but you have to be careful. This goes for bulls as well if you are into the hotwife or any derivative of that kink.

If she gets pregnant she can take you for everything you are worth.

I am not saying don’t have those kinks or fetishes. Nor am I saying don’t play them out. Just make sure that you are both ready for it along with its repercussions.

In today’s society, you can’t go on any form of social media without seeing some form of these kinks or fetishes. The key is to understand that just because you want these things doesn’t mean that they have to be real right now.

I have to remind myself that with Mother Lilith often. With the loss of our first. I have felt the need to try and get her pregnant again. The issue is I have to know that she is ready to be again. There are a lot of emotional, physical, and mental things that happen to a woman when she is pregnant. Things that as a man I know I may never truly understand.

What I do understand though is the fact that she may not be emotionally, mentally, or even physically ready to get pregnant again. So, I have to consider all that and talk with her about what she thinks and feels. It isn’t about just me. It is a relationship.

Both parties have a say. If it is a one-time thing and they just want a baby it could lead to some very bad things in life. There are also those couples that want a child but for some reason the guy can’t which can be okay if everything is done right.

Some people don’t have the money for the medical stuff to be done, so they look to the more natural way for things to work.

Just be cautious about things is all I am saying.

Just because you share the same kinks and fetishes doesn’t mean that you share them the same way. Some women may have a breeding kink and actually want to be bred or impregnated while a guy may just want to cum inside.

Talk to your partner whenever you have questions. Try to understand each other and work together towards a common goal. Never assume things, or force them. That leads to mistrust and abuse in the long term.

If you are a Dominant man and you end up getting a woman pregnant. My best suggestion is to talk with her and find out what she wants. If she just wants to have an abortion. Never tell her to get one. You can suggest it but never force or order them to. Support her through that. It isn’t easy to do that, and as a man, we will never know the pain a woman goes through in having an abortion.

If they choose to keep it and have a miscarriage be there for them. Help lift them up and understand that their emotions will be all over the place. You have to be their rock during this time. Do everything you can to help them see you are there to love and support them. Never downplay any of their feelings, that will just end up breaking them down in the end.

In the end, every one of us should be honorable and caring towards our partners. It is our job to support them through anything they are going through. From depression to other traumatic things. It is our job to be their rock just like it is their job to do the same for us when we are falling apart.

Building the Foundation

Starting out in BDSM there can be a lot of questions a lot of miss understandings and a lot of things that seem pointless.

Understanding why things are the way they are in actually integral to the growth of a person within the lifestyle.

For those new to the lifestyle or, those coming into the lifestyle due to their interest in 50 shades of grey or other BDSM novels or forms of media. I have to lay out the foundation.

BDSM is based on a mutual agreement of consent and trust. I haven’t really gone to much into depth on that topic due to the fact that I wasn’t sure how to actually go about it.

As a Dominant, we take on a lot of responsibilities. We put aside our own needs in order to take care of and help our partners grow. Yes, there are aspects where we get what we need, but there are many more aspects where we have to push our needs aside. To give our submissives the guidance and insight that we have.

Being a Dominant isn’t just telling your submissive to do something. It is building respect and trust.

You can’t just go into a relationship and expect your partner to do what you say at the drop of a hat. Or force them to do as you command and if they don’t you punish them. That is abuse. Forcing someone to obey you isn’t the Dominant or Alpha thing to do. In fact, it shows how little you know or understand about BDSM.

On the flip side though if you are submissive and you expect your partner to understand your needs without first building upon their knowledge base of how you act and what you do. Or your needs. You are causing the abuse in some cases.

Newcomers to the lifestyle should always communicate with their partners, about their needs and wants. In some cases, the submissive has to educate the Dominant in specific ways. So they understand how to do what the submissive needs. It also can go in the opposite direction where the Dominant has to teach the submissive. (More often this is the case that I have experienced.)

Now I will throw out the aspect of the switch. If you are a switch you have a lot on your plate especially if you are coming into a relationship with someone who is new to the lifestyle. You may need to teach your partner or partners what you need. Along with actually teaching them how the lifestyle works.

I will say this also if you are having a one-night stand with someone or are doing a booty call, met them at a bar, or what have you. You should never and I will reiterate. You should never do any form of BDSM play with them. You don’t know them. There is no trust or mutual respect.

If you are a Dominant and your partner doesn’t respect you. It doesn’t mean you are a bad Dominant. It could mean that your submissive isn’t a submissive. The same goes for a submissive. If your Dom doesn’t respect you then they may not be a Dom.

Spend time getting to know the person beforehand and build some form of bond with them. Find out if you have similar interests, kinks, fetishes, or ideas for play. Never agree to anything you aren’t comfortable with. If someone forces you to agree to something that you aren’t comfortable with.

It isn’t Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Those three tenants are basically laws when it comes to BDSM.. Now one can force you to do anything you don’t want to do. If they try to, leave.

In all my years in the lifestyle. I have learned a lot. From what it takes to be a Dominant, to how to treat other Dominants. Never betray the trust or respect of anyone.

A tip that I could give any submissive though is to honor your Dom give them the trust, love, and respect that they deserve. If they don’t deserve it then don’t give it to them. ( To all the Brats and switches who tend to be brats, I know what you are thinking and don’t even think about it. Stop it now. Be the good girl I know you are and do as you are told)

Something that I have learned is to question myself as a Dom and what I can do to become a better person. Part of being a better partner in this lifestyle is actually being a better person. Working on yourself and building your knowledge base can be a big help. Also, patience is huge. They say it is a virtue and I think it is key in this lifestyle if you are a Dominant. Every submissive you have will test you and question you. They will make you want to go home and rethink your life. With no death sticks involved. (Sorry, StarWars jokes)

The point I am trying to make though is that it is hard to be a Dominant. You put all this time and effort into another person. Who may have depression issues, past sexual abuse, or maybe just horrible ADHD and OCD. In some cases, they may have all that and more. In other cases that may have it all and want to be in little space and watch Disney movies for five days straight. Or the whole harry potter series in one day. When you started at Noon on a Saturday and have to stay up into Sunday just to make them happy.

As a Dominant, you take time and make an effort to give your partner what they need. Without any real reciprocation sometimes. You have to love your partner and be willing to sacrifice things for them. I have spent many a sleepless night just holding my submissive’s or reading them bedtime stories.

You do things to help build them up and in turn, they give you the greatest joy in the world. They give you the ability to call them yours and be the one who helps them grow into the beautiful woman you see under their skin.

I have watched as many of my previous partners have worked on themselves and built themselves into amazing women. They may have moved on with their lives and be in completely different places now but I am grateful to have been able to spend that time with them and show them that they could be more than what they were.

I am proud of every single one of them, and I wish them well.

That is what it takes to be a Dominant. A foundation of trust and respect, a want to guide and help others grow. Even if that means that sometimes they have to walk away. Sometimes you have to realize that you may not be best for someone. You also have to accept that sometimes you are the one keeping them from growing.

Which means you have to work on yourself more. Being a Dominant is a never-ending journey of self-reflection, growth, education and building others up to become the best that they can be. In the process, you yourself have to become the best you can be as well.

Here we go again

To begin this post I will start by explaining a few things that I have come across as of lat on Tiktok. I keep bringing this app up because there seems to be a growing community of kinksters on it and there are some amazing creators on it.

There was a post made by someone I don’t remember the name of said person on there but what I saw made my jaw drop and made me angry in ways I haven’t ever been before.

In the said video, there is a person (I will say a man for the lack of my insight into who this person is) Who happened to be, very inappropriately dressed for a public setting. Said man was on his knees facing away from a person. They happened to be in what looked like a casino.

I can only assume that this was being orchestrated by a “FinDom” We all know how I feel about these fake individuals that only want money for what they do.

The reason I bring this up is since it seems some don’t understand, that there is a line that should never be crossed.

It is one thing to do this in a public setting at a play party or some form of BDSM even. Yet, this post was made in a very public setting. Which violates all forms of consent rules.

Then on top of that, me living in Vegas. I know that sometimes to get to a specific place, you have to go through the casino area. This means that children or teens have to walk through specific areas to get to shops or restaurants.

This sickens me to my core. I don’t care who the hell you think you are. Things like this should never happen in a public setting.

The second thing I would like to talk about is another post on tiktok. This post pertains to the fact that for some reason Dominants think that they have control over submissives…

Uhm. Have I not made myself clear? Have I not elaborated on things? Have I not said time and time again that the submissive is in control?

Yes, to those of you who have been following me for a while you know I have said these things. The issue is though that for some reason the word isn’t getting out.

When for some reason the basics aren’t being taught or shown to those coming into the lifestyle then there is a fucking problem.

Shit like these two posts pisses me off with where the lifestyle is going. I have spent the better part of a decade trying to educate and inform people about BDSM along with thousands of other content creators at yet none of our voices seem to be heard by the newer generations.

So, for those of you that follow me. I will ask this. Share my posts in any BDSM groups or communities you are in.

Ignorance is bliss as they say though, and I refuse to be ignorant to the fact that there are those out there that believe in some form of BDSM that isn’t real. Thanks to 50 shades of grey and the like.

Education is key in this lifestyle.

Dear God, I sound like a teacher I had in school.

Only you can prevent forest fires. (Smokey the Bear)

So, prevent stupidity and ignorance by helping educate and inform people.

The Dominant Trope

Over the years I have been in the BDSM lifestyle, I have learned a lot about myself and what it means to be a Dominant. A lot of people seem to think that being loud and upfront makes you Dominant. There is a difference between being domineering and being Dominant.

Telling people what to do and putting yourself out there and making sure people know that you are in charge isn’t a dominant trait at all. It is more of a submissive or beta trait by showing you have to be hard over everyone else.

Yes, there are alpha males that are loud and boisterous but the issue is with that is that they lead by voice and tell others what to do. Sometimes that can be in the workplace or even in the bedroom.

The joke is on them though. You can’t control other people even if you think you can. Doing things this way tends to be manipulative and can get you into some hot water with your bosses or partners.

Some think it is just confidence that makes someone Dominant. That is a part of it but it isn’t the whole aspect.

Over time I have realized what type of Dominant I am or what type of person I am so to speak.

You have the Alpha’s who usually lead the pack. So you have those who are part of the football team and are the leaders there. Or they may lead groups or be in charge of groups at work.

I on the other hand am more of a Sigma male. I let my actions speak louder than my words. I take steps to move forward even when I don’t make myself heard. I don’t have to have the validation of a group of people or co-workers.

I do it for myself to be a better version of myself.

They say that confidence is key, but it is a lot more than that. You have to have control over yourself and your life as well. You can’t be a Dominant or an Alpha of any kind and have your life falling apart.

You have to be true to yourself also. If you aren’t you are just faking it and will be found out by everyone around you.

Let me give you an example of this.

It is the difference between saying

“You’re mine”

and
“You are mine”

Someone who doesn’t care about the ownership of something will say it is mine. Or you’re mine. Someone who cares will show that they care by the words that they use. That is mine, I own it. Or you are mine.

Being who you are as a dominant can be hard in today’s anti-masculine male culture. Where women want simps and beta males who are only good for lifting the feminist up and feeding their ego’s

Being a Dominant male, an Alpha or a Sigma male is frowned upon. Due to our masculinity alone. We threaten their mindset of dominance in the world. Where women have the power.

That isn’t to say that in a BDSM relationship that they don’t have the power. The funny thing about all of the feminist movements to me is that women have always been in power throughout history. From being able to pick and choose the strongest fittest male partner to raise a family with. To having, the say in what a Dominant can do during play. To what the submissive is okay with happing.

Women have always had the power to control everything. Nothing happens in a relationship without a woman saying it can happen.

(Yes, I know there are those pieces of shit who use and take advantage of women and use drugs to get what they want)

But, outside of all of that, the woman has the choice to choose what is allowed to happen. They always have had that choice. Any real relationship is based upon what the woman wants. What she will allow.

It isn’t based upon how dominant a man is. Or how they look or act. Yes, a woman may find specific things attractive but, they have a choice to allow said man to do anything to them or not.

I am all for female equality in the workplace, politics, and everything else in the world.

What I am also for is the man having a say in what happens in the relationship.

Everything should be a two-way street both ways for either gender.

Blaming Dominant men for the way women act or why they do what they do is a fallacy, to begin with.

There is a generation of people that see Straight white men. Or Cis( why the fuck to I now have a stupid acronym like everyone else) As the enemy. Women see them as the main issue with society.

When in fact the issue is that there are people in power who would rather make everyone focus on internal issues and make us blind to what is actually going on. Instead of cutting the head off the snake in the garden. (So to speak)

Those that fuel these issues are the loudest. Do we call women who scream and yell about how men are evil dominant? Do we call women who say K.A.M dominant?

The answer is no, we don’t we call them Karen or a crazy bitch, because they are. Generalizing a gender and singling them out does nothing to affirm their position as feminists. In fact, it destroys their fight for feminism because there are men like myself who support women’s rights, and yet, as a white dominant male I am seen as the enemy…

Do, you understand my point and what I am getting at here?

The societal norm says feminism is good. When equality is good. Fighting a fight for only one group of people is like plugging one hole in a water balloon. Or scooping water out of a boat with a bucket. When there is a giant hole in the boat.

Dominance isn’t about being loud; it isn’t about being in control. It is about being trusted enough to be given control over something or someone. It is about not breaking that trust and making that thing grow and become something better. It could be a task at work and making a plan with co-workers. It could be a submissive giving you control over their sexual needs.

Dominance is about responsibility. It is about being willing to take up that responsibility and not betraying it. It is about taking control of yourself and doing things even if you don’t want to and doing them for the better. It is doing things that will better yourself and others.

It is up to every one of us to find out if we are dominant or not. It is up to us to take steps to make things the way we want them. We have to take responsibility for our actions and words. We have to take action to become better versions of ourselves. We have to dig deep and fight our demons.

None of life is easy. Nor should it be. If it was we wouldn’t grow. Or become the people we were meant to be. We would sit around and watch netflix all day.

Being Dominant is much more than just telling your submissive to blow you. It is mind over matter, it is having the drive to learn more about BDSM. It is wanting to know what drives your partner (Or what drives them crazy)

The act of being Dominant is a verb it means you are doing something. You can’t just sit on your ass and be dominant. You have to do things to be Dominant. So get out there and be the Dominant you were born to be

Pull the Pin

I don’t usually throw my own opinions out when it comes to specific things. I let you do you, I don’t see how some kinks or fetishes can hurt the community.

I do have to step forward and put my foot down with this subject though. I may get a lot of hate for this but, honestly being the type of person I am. Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.

It has come to my attention. That there are those within the community that. Like to play the victim and will do anything for attention. I am not calling out the brats at all here.

Instead, I am calling out those who tend to go after others within the community and attack them for their kinks and fetishes along with how they live the BDSM lifestyle. I have come across BDSM-oriented content where there have been individuals who blatantly attack or misinform others on what they believe BDSM is.

BDSM is personal for everyone not everyone will have the same types of relationships as you do. I am not into AB/DL do I bash on those people. No.

What gets under my skin the most though is that these individuals seem to think that they are right and everyone else is wrong. With references to the Old Guard or Old ways. Mixed with holier than thou aspects.

I hate to shatter your won little world view but you are not, will never be. Nor could you ever become the person you imagine yourself to be.

Going after others within the community does two things. It brings out the Dominants and the Masters who are very well versed in how to cause pain and mental manipulation.

We pride ourselves on the fact that we know how to do the things we do. We spend years if, not decades building up a repertoire of how to be the best at what we do.

When you go after our submissive’s there is something primal that kicks in. Think of an alpha defending the pack.

Most of these individuals that go after us tend to think they understand us and BDSM. All of it tends to be, based upon assumptions. Assumptions that assume that we are mentally deranged or that we enjoy abusing or being abused.

Which if these people would actually do some research on psychology then they would understand that this is actually more normal than they are…

Back to the topic at hand though, I have to say that this topic hits very close to me. Some of those that I call friends have had idiots go after them and attack them. So, I have decided to throw my hat in the ring.

This is our lifestyle. Some may have a different one. Where they go to church on Sunday. Or one where they enjoy reading fantasy novels based around sex. (Wait those have aspects of BDSM in them) All of us are different and what works for you may not work for others.

I refuse to sit here and pretend that with how media-centric our lifestyle has become. That I will just roll over and let other people attack others in the lifestyle.

As someone who has spent more than 15 years in this lifestyle, I will stand my ground.

If anyone of my followers has had issues with something similar I am here for you.

Facing the Darkness

I know that I have told you all to work through your issues and to build yourself up. I know that I have told you to acknowledge your failures and work forward through them. 

Yet, I never take my advice. It took Mother Lilith calling me out on some things. I have said before that I had a troubled past. There is a lot of trauma there. The problem is, I never knew how to work through it. 

For decades I pushed it aside and pretended it never existed. I let it eat me alive. From the fear of succeeding and failing. To self-doubt and self-loathing. I never knew how to deal with it or work through it.

I let it consume me and eat me alive, from the darkest of times where I tasted the barrel of a gun to times where my self-hatred became anger towards others around me.

I let it sabotage every relationship I have ever had, friendships, relationships with partners I loved and cared for, to my relationship with my family. I let it destroy who I thought I was. 

It is like a demon. Or another person who is there and takes over every once in a while. It makes me sabotage my relationships and makes me second guess myself. Or if I am good enough for anyone.

The self-doubt and anger towards myself have destroyed me. In turn, it has destroyed my relationships with those I love. 

Facing this darkness has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Heck, dealing with the trauma and neglect was easier. 

Being face to face with myself for the first time in I don’t know how long. Makes me realize that I allowed myself to become someone I never wanted to be. I allowed myself to become my father and my mother in one person. 

I allowed my anger towards them to be aimed at myself. Like I did something wrong. As if it was my fault as to why things are the way they are. 

Which in truth it is my fault. In a way. I allowed myself to fall into myself and hide. I let the feelings eat me alive to the point that I have no idea how to feel. Or what emotions feel like due to only feeling anger and pain. All of which is aimed at me for the things I have done. Or is it the things I think I have done?

This realization, that I have no idea what emotions feel like except anger and pain, was a very eye opening realization. 

I was angry at the world for existing. I hated living so to speak. Like I never asked to be here but here I am. The existential dred of every day was like waking up to another day of being ate alive.

Realizing that this anger is misplaced and should be let go so that I can grow. Kind of hurt if that makes sense. It’s like having baggage that you have been carrying around for most of your life only to realize that it isn’t supposed to be there.

It took a fight between Mother Lilith and I and her sending me a link over facebook for me to realize what I have been doing for decades. 

Ill leave the link here so that if any men need it it may help them as well. It may also help women understand what every man goes thought daily. 

As someone who finally realizes why and how. I also realize that I am the only one that can change it. I am the only one that can take that first step. 

It took Mother Lilith telling me how I always talk about learning and growing but I wasn’t practicing what I preach. I was letting my emotions dictate my actions. Which isn’t the way things should be. 

It is funny when you are okay with walking through a war zone but afraid of facing your feelings. Can you be considered brave for fearing who you are changing into someone else? Is it better to try and fail than to not try at all?

I know that I could survive hell, but the question is can I survive my hell. 

For some dumb reason, I have the words to a stupid song stuck in my head. Just do the next right thing. The question is what is right? How do I find that out? 

Well, there is always the journey and that will tell you if it is the right thing or not. You may not know it at the time but, that next right thing can change your world. 

So, as a man if you are going through anything like this you need to keep fighting. Sometimes it is easier to fight flesh and blood than it is to fight your demons but your demons are the only thing you have to defeat. 

Your mind can be your worst enemy. Don’t let it be. Make it your gratest ally. 

Work on yourself and build yourself into the person you want to be. Don’t listen to the voices in your head or those around you. Be the person you need to be, not for them. For you. Be the person that drives you.

Building Bonds

This community is all about building rapport and bonds with others. You can’t just jump in and expect to have someone want to be your play partner. (If that does happen, run) You have to get to know the person. 

In this post, I am going to give you some tips and tricks on how to talk to someone in the lifestyle. 

  1. Always be open and honest
  2. Don’t say you are into something if you aren’t
  3. Be respectful. 
  4. Make sure that they have time to talk and are heard. 
  5. Spend time with them and get to know them as a person first.
  6. Treat them like a person. They are first and foremost a person over your play partner.

Yeah sure, you might be excited to have a new play partner and it might be a lot of fun to just jump into things.

Make sure you are both compatible as well. Not everyone is into what you are and not everyone is okay with candle wax or pins. Different strokes for different folks. 

You also should discuss sex and if it is acceptable for your partner. Some play sessions don’t need sex. Sometimes it is just a scene and aftercare. Sometimes aftercare can lead to sex. (Depending on your partner and if you are in a relationship with them or not)

A few hints here

  1. Never assume anything
  2. Consent is always needed for everything. Always ask first
  3. Safewords are just that. If they are used. Follow them…
  4. Be prepared to get your partner out of those ropes/chains or whatever at a moment’s notice.
  5. For the love of everything that is Holy. Learn where people’s pressure points and nerve endings are… So that you don’t damage them

Sure you may want some awesome scenes and try to push your partner but sometimes life happens and you can’t do the exact thing you wanted to do. Oh well, maybe next time. Don’t get but hurt or tell your partner that they disappointed you. They don’t deserve to be punished for your lack of being flexible. 

I can’t tell you how many times I have had a partner start her period during play, and I had to stop due to her cramping or other issues. As a Dominant, your partner’s needs come first yours come last. Always.

I can hear every sub out there screaming at me about how our needs come first, but in reality, it kind of is a two-way street in many cases. We as the Dom’s put our partner first whereas the subs do the same thing.

As a sub, if you can’t take it or continue tell your Dom. As a Dom be able to judge things with your partner. I have had to stop or call things off due to my sub thinking she could take this or that only to have them realize they can’t and try to please me or be stubborn and try to push through. 

If you ask any of my previous partners, I have a paddle that I haven’t ever been able to actually use to its full potential due to how much it hurts them. I can only use my wrist when using it. I can’t put my full force behind it. Yay for amazing paddles. 

Back on topic though. As a Dom, you need to be able to feel out a situation and know the point at which your sub is being stubborn. The same goes for subs though too. Some Dominants will go easy on you and end up babying you. If that is not what you want then you need to push your Dom… 

I do not condone being a brat. In fact, I want every brat out there to be a good girl or boy for their Dom. I do know that sometimes you need to be put in your place though because if you aren’t you will act out and end up being an even worse brat. So, know that there is a fine line between pushing your Dom to get what you want and pushing your Doms buttons to piss them off.

You need to build a line of open communication with each other. You need to be able to trust each other with your lives, hopes, and dreams. In some cases, it can even be beneficial if you are connected enough to read each other’s minds.

(It helps you and your partner reach sub and dom space faster) 

Be one with your partner. 

No little Johnny, I said to be one with your partner not be in your partner.

That isn’t to say that as a sub you can’t want your partner inside you just make sure that you gave consent and they did as well. Then it is all good.

Pieces of you

With all the time I have spent learning, sometimes I need to remind myself that. Not only do some people not know what I do, but that I don’t know everything. Maybe it is ego or pride. I have had to deal with these aspects of myself over the years.

Every one of us has different pieces of ourselves that we don’t let others see. Think of it as pictures. Or snapshots into our minds. From being a loving and caring person. To being a Dominant or a submissive. Every one of us keeps a part of ourselves a secret from others for fear of being judged or manipulated.

Sometimes, we let others see these aspects of ourselves because we believe that we can trust them. Only to have the betray that trust. This has happened to more submissives than I can count. It makes my heart hurt to think about, all those submissives that got used and abused by so-called “Dominants” who were really just sadists. (50 shades movie reference here)

It shows how hedonistic people really can be. If someone is willing to hurt others physically and emotionally without building a connection in order to facilitate respect and consent. It just hurts me. It shows how needed real Dominants are. It shows how gullible we are as a society and a culture.

We have this ingrained need to be accepted by those around us. To feel loved and to be given the things we feel we need. Yet, we still hide some aspects of ourselves from our partners. Which can end up being the last straw that breaks the camel’s back.

Being with someone in a relationship like this is based upon trust and mutual respect. Those things shouldn’t come easy, yet in today’s world, everything should come easy right? Any woman can get on Tinder and have guys fawning all over her just due to a few provocative pics.

In a world of instant gratification, we want everything now. We aren’t willing to put in the work, time, or even effort to have a meaningful relationship.

It is even worse for straight men. We are held to these weird standards. (Which I know women have been held to stupid standards for a long time and this is just turn about being fair play) I am sorry I am not a Gerard Butler or a Channing Tatum, but what I am is someone who is willing to put in the time and effort.

Many guys have resorted to paying to spend time with women, or just plain simping after women. In order to just get some form of attention from them.

All of these things have culminated in a society that rewards itself on instant gratification and no social interaction. We don’t know the people we are having one-night stands with. Our fwbs is someone we met at a party one night or even met on tinder.

We feed this insatiable need we have to make ourselves feel needed, wanted, and validated. As if we are trying to convince ourselves that we are not playing a character to get likes and hearts. We use those things to fuel our ego and let it inflate, our own self-worth and value. So that it gets to the point that we think we are better than everyone else around.

(I hate pointing this out, but I have to) Things have gotten so bad that some women don’t understand what is worth value. You can’t just open your legs and be worth something to a man. Maybe a boy sure. A man will need more than that though. We offer so much to you, if we don’t get the same in return then why should I waste my time.

Do you get the point though? (Mother Lilith and I are fine.) I just felt I had to say this, because if your only value is between your legs and you can’t love, and support your partner you don’t need to be in a relationship. Also if you think that you are better than everyone else out there. Sorry to say you really aren’t

You aren’t going to be in a relationship with a rich guy if all you got is your pussy. You have to have something else as well. If all he wants you for is that then he is not worth your time either. (This also goes for the LGBTQ community as well)

Know your worth but don’t act like you are better than everyone else. Stay humble.

Expressing feelings with words

Over the years I have been a part of this lifestyle I have learned a lot. Most of it has been about myself, from the fact that I am Polyamorous to learning how to control my emotions better.

I have had some issues with how much I control my emotions and have tried to overlook them. As a Dominant, I put my partner’s needs and emotions over my own, which can be considered a flaw of sorts.

I have had anger issues most of my life and it has come up time and time again. I have tried a lot of things. From working out and working on myself to meditating and just trying to push it away.

In the end, though it always ends up biting me in the ass. Stress adds up. The little things add up. Even if it is something that happens at Walmart or at home. Little things can set me off.

The reason I bring this up is that we are all human and things can cause us to have bad days or just be angry and our partners may not understand why.

It is our job to be the responsible one and let them know what is going on. It is our job to communicate how we are feeling or what is going on inside our heads.

Our partners may know us better than anyone else. They may spend hours admiring you or learning about you. Yet, they will never know your thoughts unless you communicate them to them.

I have said communication is key and I can’t emphasize this enough. Without communication, your partner won’t understand or know what is going on.

Sometimes you have to reach out to them even if you are angry or hurt and don’t want to talk to them. Sometimes they may not want to talk to you, but talking is sometimes what is best.

I have also struggled with depression and fell into some really dark places.

There is a saying that all kids use to say. Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me.

Sometimes I wish I could be like that again. I never cared as a kid. All I cared about was when my next meal was and school. Yet, as an adult, your whole reputation is based upon what people think and say about us.

Our whole lives can be destroyed by someone saying the wrong thing to someone who is in control of our job. It seems that we have less freedom as adults. When as kids, we thought adults had all the freedom.

As a man, I have to be very specific about things I say around some women, or any LGBTQ + people. It seems that I am not allowed to be the man I was taught to be.

Being masculine is evil and I should be a simp or a beta male. When I know I am a Sigma male. I enjoy being alone with my thoughts and working towards a goal.

My rights as a straight white male, or CIS male.. (Rolls eyes) Give me privilege over others. What privilege is that? I guess I am not belittled or shunned from things. When in today’s society I am. So hey maybe I am being treated the same as everyone else.

I guess I am old. I don’t know. I was raised to respect women. Open the door for them. Treat them with respect and they will do the same right?

I was taught to not run my mouth or I would get put in my place. Now things like that don’t happen. Anyone can run their mouth and it is only threats or hearsay. Heck, slander isn’t really even a thing anymore of defamatory remarks aren’t even seen as bad.

This all-inclusive all loving all accepting bullshit is just that in my opinion. Do I respect people who are different than me? Yes. Do I give everyone the benefit of the doubt? Of course.

If someone pushes my buttons and doesn’t stop. Or insults my partner or someone I am close to. Do I run to my safe space and cover my ears. If someone harms my little sister. (She is 16 years younger than I am) Do you think I am going to sit there and try to take him to court?

The answer to all of those is hell fucking no. I will get involved (Turns up and blares Rip & Tear from the 2016 Doom soundtrack) as I sharpen my axe. (Recently became Norse Pagan) I am not one of those pushovers, let’s talk things through people. So, for those of you that understand where I am coming from.

You also understand that it is a struggle in modern society to stand for what you believe in. This isn’t even about politics or anything. This is about respecting others and their right to have different opinions. Which we aren’t allowed to have anymore.

I remember a time when we could all have our own opinions and not get trash-talked for them. I remember family holidays that turned into horrible arguments but everyone was back together again the next year.

Yeah, we may have argued and yelled, but we expressed our emotions. It may have not been healthy but we didn’t exclude someone. Or have a Karen step in and get involved when she shouldn’t. I know I am a millennial and my generation gets a lot of flack for things but wtf?

I was raised by parents who instilled things in me during my upbringing. Respect women and others being the main thing. Yes, the second part of that was don’t start a fight finish it, but for the time it was right. We could stand up for what we believed in and be who we were. Now, if I open my mouth and say something about how a woman should spend time with their children. I get shit on.

Mind you all I was saying is that she should spend time with her kids to teach them how they should treat a woman and see how a woman can be both a mother and a hard worker.

My mother and I have our issues but I will say this. I know how hard that woman worked. I know that she busted her ass trying to provide for my brothers, sister, and I.

I know this has kind of turned into a rant which I apologize for, but things like this need to be said. We are all people and every one of our views on things is different. Are all of them good? No, I can think of a bunch of people who don’t deserve an opinion. (Nazi’s, Racists, Pedo’s, Rapists, Murderers) Yet, as normal people who don’t do stupid shit or break the law. Are they entitled to their own opinion? Of course, they are.

Should we accept everyone? That is a hard one to answer. Yes, and no is my answer. Should we accept Karen’s and how they treat people? No. Should we accept the male version? No.

Should we accept normal people just trying to live their lives. Yes, we should.

I guess, my main issue is the fact that being a straight white dominant male has made me worthless in the eyes of many. This trend is stupid to me because I support LGBTQ+, Feminism, and BLM. Equality for all is what we need. Not raising all other groups above each other.

So instead of getting angry with stuff like this and keeping it pent up so I explode on others around me. I guess I used this to vent my frustration with society and how backward it has become. The fact that people like me have become the enemy in the eyes of society is sad.

Not only because it shows how far removed society has become from reality but it also shows how views of a specific topic can change people’s opinions on things using the media. (Yay! I knew I would get to conspiracy theories at some point in this blog. LMAO)

All I am trying to say here is that we as people should be willing to defend our positions and fight for them. We shouldn’t make other people’s opinions and positions irrelevant though. Cancel culture is a problem. The idea of canceling opinions, points of view, perspectives, ideas, and other arguments is a blatant grab at the control of society. No matter who it is from.

So, remember that just because someone is different from you doesn’t mean they are wrong and you are right. I just mean we are all different. Especially in the U.S. Which use to be the worlds melting pot. Where we all came together to work for a better life. Instead of tearing each others lives, hopes, and dreams down. We should be building each other up.