I have been in the lifestyle for over fifteen years and I have to say that over the years. Many people have left lasting impressions. From my mentor, previous partners. Some may think that they leave lasting impressions due to sexual attraction. Or how much knowledge they have.
Yet, I would be amiss if I didn’t mention those who have helped me grow and understand myself over the years I have been in this lifestyle.
From those who were play partners for a time. To those who have stuck around and helped me realize things about myself that I didn’t want to even admit to myself.
This lifestyle has become a part of who I am, and in doing so it has become part of my life’s journey to become the best version of myself that I could become. I have spent so much time trying to build myself as someone who knows a lot about the lifestyle. That I forget where I came from.
I forget to look back on where I began and how every step I took back then has helped me grow into the person I am today.
Life can impact a person in weird ways. From your childhood to your teen years. You slowly become a person you never would of thought you would become. As a child you always wanted to be and adult and didnt’ really live. We spent so much time wondering what it would be like that we forgot to live.
As an adult we have even less time to reflect and understand what it took to get to where we are today. Our personal growth started so long ago and we forget that it takes time and expect it to happen automattically now. Especlially in a world where instant gratification can be seen by everyone by making one post online. We forget to stop and smell the roses.
As a kid I never knew what that saying ment. I even thougt it was stupid, yet here I am as an adult wishing I took more time to smell the roses. We take so many things for granted and forget that we have space and time to grow.
We have time to reflect and slow down. We just have to take the time. Yet, we would rather spend time doing pointless things like watching TV or scrolling social media.
As kids we were willing to do what ever it took to reach what we wanted. Especially if it was our favorite snack or treat. Yet, as adults we let ourselves think that those things are unattainable when all we have to do is reach for them.
We have let ourselves be blind to what we want. We let the world pull the wool over our eyes and become sheep. We follow all the latest trends to stay relavent and hip. (Lol I used the word hip) We let life drag us down and we forget how strong we are.
We have survived so much as people. Everyone of us has fought our war against our demons. We have pushed through pain and agony on so many different levels only to allow ourselves to become mundane and boring.
All we have to do is change our mind set. Oddly enough being thankful for everyone around us can help put life into more perspective. I know this better than most.
With all the people who have come into and walked out of my life due to their own choices or mine. They have helped me realize that I could be a better person. They have shown me that I can grow and become the person I want to be.
Yet, for so many years I let myself fall into depression and alcholism. I let my demons win. I thought I was worthless even while telling all of you that you can be everything you want to be. I lied to myself all while trying to help you.
Realizing this has made me try to be different and better. I have tried to work on myself more. Then you throw in this past year and everything we all have been through. Some of us have been more devistated than others. Yet, we are human and we all deal with pain differently.
I know that sometimes working through the pain hurts. I know that loosing someone hurt, but in the end you will be stornger for it. Not just because you are angry either. Understanding that pain can be the first step in growth is something I have had to come to terms with.
For those of you that understand this. As a Taurus I hate change. I have fought it tooth and nail for most of my life. I never wanted to have to pull myself out of my mindset. Or to deal with my issues. I know some of you don’t either. I understand how it feels and how fear can keep you from moving forward.
I have had to come to terms with change over the years and it has been a slow process. It wasn’t until I got with Mother Lilith that I realized that I had to change for both of us and not just for my partner. She has brought it to my attention and made me realize it. (Yes, other partners have brought it up but I was blind and didn’t want to see it.)
It is a choice to become better, one that takes steps every day. We have to choose to become better, and we have to move with that choice not against it.
I will end this post with a quote. Oddly enough it is from a kidshow on Netflix. If you haven’t seen it yet, you should watch Trollhunters
Destiny is… a gift. Some go their entire lives, living existences of quiet desperation, never learning the truth about what feels as though a burden pushing down upon our shoulders, is actually a sense of purpose that lifts us to greater heights. Never forget that fear is but the precursor to valor, that to strive and triumph in the face of fear is what it means to be a hero. Don’t think. Become.