Philosophy vs. Psychology

In BDSM, there has always been a battle that every person, has had to deal with. That battle is between the philosophy vs. the psychology of the lifestyle.

The psychology is the personal aspect of BDSM and the impact on an individual person. Whereas philosophy is the reality of the lifestyle. Think of it this way. If as a Dominant you expect your submissive to be nake in the house at all times. Psychologically, you could see that working. Yet, philosophically you realize that there are times where your submissive should be clothed.

The ideas behind the psychology of BDSM are originally what drew me to the lifestyle. Over time though I learned that the philosophy was actually more important than the psychology of the lifestyle. As a young Dominant, I had delusions of grandeur. I had dreams of a polyamorous relationship where I had a harem of submissives and would have all these submissives at my beck and call. Over time though I realized that the thought of it was what made me enjoy it. Where in practice I know for a fact that I couldn’t please more than a few women at a time.

(Note: I am still a dork and would enjoy a harem, but I realize that it is a fantasy at this point)

A person’s thoughts on what works in the lifestyle change as they truly start to understand the philosophy of the lifestyle. The psychology of the lifestyle says, me and mine. I take what I want as a Dominant. The philosophy says your partner is human and should be treated as such first then add the fun aspects of things.

I can’t tell you how many times I have thought about fantasies that I have had and wanted to make them a reality. Yet, in reality, I know that those thoughts may never come to fruition.

We as the human race have always had issues with this inner battle we have. Which crosses over from our normal lives into every aspect of who we are. From our beliefs and interests to how we act and let others perceive us.

When I was just getting started in the lifestyle I was naive like everyone else. I thought I knew everything. Which of course I didn’t Over the years I have learned to be humble and I had to take a look at the psychology of BDSM and the philosophy of it as well in order to understand myself better.

Life has its ups and downs. We all go through things. You and your partner may be on different pages. Heck, you may not even be in the same book sometimes. That is where this thought process came from for me.

I have spent a lot of time trying to build relationships with previous partners in order to try and keep everything kosher. Only to realize that my psychology behind the lifestyle isn’t the same as others. Only then did I look at the philosophy and realize that the philosophy is something we can all agree upon. In the philosophy of the lifestyle, we have the tenents and the laws of BDSM so to speak.

The psychology of the lifestyle has all of our own personal beliefs and thoughts on the lifestyle. Which are not always understood by everyone. For instance, some people are into water sports or Master/slave relationships. Others not so much. This is where BDSM becomes more personal. This is where the thought that BDSM is different for everyone comes in.

The philosophy of it is the premise of the lifestyle. It gives us the guidelines and helps lead us into what aspects we as individuals click with.

So, my question is to all of you. Do you feel the same way I do? Do you understand things the same way? Or am I just crazy? I would like to hear your perspectives on this topic.

The Popular Monster

So today I, am going to talk about the main issue I see happening in the lifestyle. The fact that a lot of people seem to think that BDSM is the same as Porn. That all the shit that happens in the videos on Pornhub is real.

As a male who is alive today, I have watched porn and, I am not ashamed to admit that. What I am ashamed to say though is that with the fact that overstimulation is a thing and porn being so easy to access along, with how easy it is for a man to get addicted to porn. I have to say that porn has given people a false view of what sex is and should be.

Porn has become a quick fix for those who are horny and want to get off. Which also makes it more relied upon than another person. That quick fix of the happy drugs in your brain after an orgasm also makes Porn even more addicting. It makes you associate porn with feeling good which can cause some issues with relationships as a whole.

For instance, I personally have dealt with a lot of issues in my sex life due to porn. There were times I would rather watch porn than have sex with my partner. Or I wasn’t turned on by my partner because I took care of myself hours before.

With how popular and readily available porn is it makes it hard as all get out to stay away from it. Heck you can’t go on social media today without being hit with at least 3 or 4 posts about someone’s onlyfans or to go watch this video (Which is a version of Porn)

It seems that today everyone is either making porn or watching it. Then on top of that, you add sex toys. Don’t get me wrong sex toys were made to help enhance things during sex, yet we all know that no man’s penis can vibrate or do the things that a sex toy can for a woman.

In today’s sexual world, a woman is basically expected to have a few sex toys. Which is fine, but if you have a bunch that does things no one can. You are setting your partner up to fail.

I named this post, Popular Monster because if you think about it both porn and toys if overused can cause a lot of issues with your sex life with you and your partner. Both these things are so popular today. As they say to much of a good thing can be a bad thing.

Both these things become addicting and can overshadow your partner and make it so your partner feels inadequate which can damage your relationship. I am not saying that you need to stop these things. All I am saying is use them in moderation along with possibly using them during play with your partner.

Always remember that your decisions on if you are going to take care of your own needs may also affect your partner and your relationship. As a person in a relationship, it is your job to work with your partner. The instant you become greedy or neglect them could mean a miss-step in your relationship. Don’t let your need to watch porn or use a toy end up making your partner feel as if they aren’t good enough.

I have also had issues where I couldn’t get my partner off because they had been using a toy to often. So I have felt inadequate. I have felt like I am not good enough in bed or during play. Remember this goes both ways.

Remember moderation is key. Also, remember that your partner is a person and has feelings too. Sometimes when you feel the mood hit. Sometimes just waiting till you can do stuff with your partner can feel even better than taking care of it yourself. Give your partner a chance.

Mentoring the opposite role

  There has been something within the lifestyle that has been bugging me for a long time. This all came to a head when I was contacted by a submissive on my blog and then ended up chatting with her over a chat app. 

I have to say this hits me to the core of who I am and the reason why I made this blog, to begin with. I created this blog to help educate and counsel those who are lost within the lifestyle. I created it to help keep so-called “Dominants” from abusing submissives. I did this to reach out with all my own personal knowledge of the lifestyle.

The topic of today’s post is this. So-called Dominants and Mentors piss me off to no end. They make what I do a joke a laughing stoke and I take it as a threat and a jab at what I do and who I am when I hear about these so-called individuals using and hurting potential submissives. 

What they don’t understand is that through their actions they are making me and others like me look bad. Not only that but they are hurting the submissive and could possibly keep that person from experiencing how amazing BDSM can be. It sickens me that there are those out there who play the part only to get what they want out of someone.

I am sorry if I seem a little heated, but enough is e-fucking-nough. The basis of this post lights a fire within me because I have seen so many amazing submissives get hurt by these idiots and morons. I wish I could spend five minutes alone with these uneducated pompous assholes. 

The Rules for Mentors

  1. A mentor is never to do anything sexual with a submissive unless the submissive asks for it. 
  2.  As a mentor, your job is to teach and educate
  3. You are the safety net for the submissive. You oversee everything
  4. It is your job to guide and protect the submissive
  5. When the mentoring process is over. You have two choices either work things out with your submissive and take them on as your own. Or help them find a compatible Dominant that has been vetted and has been cleared. You let them go so that they can grow and learn more
  6. You can’t teach someone everything. 
  7. Experience doesn’t always mean you are right. 

Rules for newcomers to the lifestyle who are looking for a Mentor/ Dom

  1. Make sure you can trust the person
  2. Never allow them power over you in a mentoring aspect they are the teacher and you are the learner. They can’t control you
  3. If they force play or anything sexual they aren’t a Mentor or Dom
  4. They are there to be your protector and your guardian of sorts. If they don’t act as such, they shouldn’t be your Mentor or Dom
  5. You should never have to question their motives. 
  6. If you have questions ask. If they give you bullshit answers they aren’t worth your time.
  7. Don’t just jump into a Mentor or Dom/sub relationship make sure you know the person. Take your time.

This topic makes me hot to the point that I want to reach out and touch some people. What I do isn’t a joke. It isn’t something I only do sometimes. I am always here trying to help educate and inform those who are willing to listen or learn. 

Sorry for the heated post but it needed to be said. 

Commitment and kinks

Looking at relationships today, a lot of them seem to be whimsical or even a form of a mythical being. A real relationship with someone you know, understand and trust is so few and far between.

It is like a one in an infinite chance to find someone that you can connect with. When it comes to kinks it becomes even harder. Finding someone who is into the things that you are. It is as if you are searching for El Dorado or Atlantis. Especially if you are in a smaller town or city.

I know how it can wear on you if you can’t find someone who meshes with you well. Or even in some cases accepts you. Keeping your sex life to yourself has been the way it had to be for a long time.

People tend to be very judgemental. Especially if you live in a small religious community. I know that one first hand. I also know how it feels to keep a big part of who you are hidden from those around you. No one in my life knows who or what I am.

No one in my family would understand, nor would they accept me for who I am. This can be a very important thing with your partner. If they can’t accept who you are it can be devastating and could end the relationship.

Back on topic though.

Every day it is a battle to keep my kinks out of my commitment to my partner. Being Polyamorous and being someone who enjoys watching. It is hard sometimes for me to stop when I get to that point, so to speak.

I have to remember every day that my submissive is a switch and not just a submissive. We both have kinks and fantasies that involve specific things like gangbangs and orgies and such but sometimes I have to keep myself in check instead of being the Master I am to her I have to be the boyfriend.

With her past trauma, her fantasies are fantasies that she does and doesn’t want. She has moments where she hits a wall that blocks her from being who she wants to be for herself and for me. So, I do my best to switch from being her Master to being her boyfriend.

There are times I can treat her like the naughty little slut she is, and then there are times where her own fantasies scare her. One of the things that I have tried to express to her is that in the past she wasn’t in control of what was happening and this is a way that she could take back that control.

Doing these things in a controlled environment can help open her up to growth and possibly helping with her past trauma. I normally wouldn’t support this thought process. Hell, I even wrote a post about it. Yet, looking at the situation now I understand it differently than I originally did.

So, sometimes I have caught between a rock and a hard place no pun intended. Helping my partner grow and become the woman she wants to be. Has always been my goal with all of my partners. Hence why I had to let them go in a sense. I was holding them back from what they wanted.

I know that may sound strange and possibly like I am self defeating but in the end. I have to let my partners those who I have loved with everything in me go. So that they can move forward.

As much as it hurt to let Melika or Missy go. I had to do it because they had issues accepting the fact that I am poly and they wanted me to be someone that I am not. Sadly it is the story of my life.

Others around me have always wanted me to be someone I am not and the instant I become the person they want me to be they end up not loving me the way they thought they did.

So, I have vowed to make a commitment to myself and my partners that I won’t change them. Nor will I change. We may have kinks and fantasies that drive us. Things that make us feel whole and things that make us feel as if we are one, but in the end, our commitment to ourselves and to each other needs to be the main priority.

This isn’t something that we all can just fake either, we have to work at it everyday. We have to show our partner or partners that they are the apple of our eye. That we are committed to them and to ourselves.

In times like this when there is a crazy virus going around making and keeping commitments to ourselves and to our partners is very important. With the number of people who are under quarantine right now, we all should make sure that if any of those people are our partners that they are safe and okay.

This also goes for those stupid new years’ resolutions. If you made a commitment to go to the gym you better be working out… If you made a commitment to spend more time with your loved ones. You should be doing such.

I hate to sound cliche but we only have this one life. (Religious views aside) We need to take our lives into our own hands. No one else can fix our problems but us.

Communication is key

I know that in the past I have pushed for communication and for you all to communicate.

Yet, I haven’t told you how to communicate effectively. You see the key to any lasting relationship is being able to express what you are feeling to your partner and helping them to be able to understand what you are feeling and saying.

Again, though I have failed at explaining how this is done. With all my years in the lifestyle. Along with all my years as someone who considers myself a teacher in this area. I have had my failings. I am at fault here just as much as any of my previous partners.

The blame in the communication break down isn’t solely on them, nor is it just on me.

We as humans use vocal notes to express sounds which we turn into words. In our primitive days, each noise would mean something that could end up meaning life or death. Yet, as time has gone on we have let these sounds carry less meaning over time. I believe the reason for this is that we as a race have deviated from our animal instincts to become more of a docile species. So words and sounds mean less.

For instance, the three little words that can change someone’s life. “I Love You” Looking at those words and our culture today, we don’t really put an emphasis on the word love that we use to. We say it without having the actual mental understanding of what love truly is and means.

Plus on the other side of that, there are multiple forms of love. Being able to communicate what form of love that you have for someone is very important. It is almost as important as loving the person or feeling that love from another person.

Now being able to express that feeling and convey it into words is something that we as a society may have a lot of issues with. Looking at the media and how they portray love. (Just watch any Hallmark movie during Christmas) That form of love isn’t what we feel for everyone. For instance, we love our siblings and other family members. We don’t love a partner the same way we love family.

Nor do we love a partner the way we love our friends and people we confide in. We love partners on a different level.

Adding the BDSM aspect to things can make it a lot harder to understand as well. Looking at any submissive who has gone into subspace and is coming out of it. Aftercare is a way to show your love. Now, do you love this person as your partner? As a play partner? As a human being? That is up to the parties that are there.

Some people consider sexual acts the deepest and most raw form of love. Which I understand, whoever you are having sex with is seeing you naked and seeing you for who you really are underneath your masks. You express physical intimacy in a way that can be considered a form of love.

I kinda went off-topic here but let me explain why I did that.

In a lot of forms of communication, we as a society aren’t truly listening or trying to understand what the person is saying. We are trying to create a response to what they are saying. We feel the need to defend ourselves as if we are being attacked. Even when the conversation is about someone else’s emotions. Which loops me back to the emotion of love.

I have had a lot of people including partners, basically, tell me that I can’t be polyamorous. I can’t love more than one person romantically. So, I have had to express and find ways to convey to them that they can understand. Which has been very difficult at times.

You see if someone is closed-minded to something. Or doesn’t want to understand it. They won’t even try. If it is out of the norm or something that their religion, ethnic background, upbringing, or even their past won’t allow them to understand.

A closed-minded person, like a person who is scared of what could happen, will always miss out on the chances they didn’t take. If you aren’t willing to be open-minded with your partner then you are closing yourself off from communicating effectively.

Your relationship isn’t just about you and your wants and your needs. It is also about your partner’s wants and needs as well. It is a two-way street, and you both have to work on being open-minded and understanding when it comes to your relationship and your communication.

Some partners communicate differently than you do. Some will have different triggers or trauma than you will and you both will have to work around those things in order to build the relationship.

My best suggestion is to sit down with your partner once a week and actually talk. Not the whole “How was work honey” “Oh it was work dear” I am talking about actually communicating with each other. Opening up, letting your partner see your hopes, dreams, and worst fears. Learn as much about your partner as you can. Hell, know them better than you know yourself. (For us guys who are with female partners. You know what I mean. Get her the chocolates and such before she has the emotional breakdown and be there for her without her having to ask.)

The key here is to actually be there for your partner. Let them vent to you, let them sit in a bubble bath while you sit there and talk to them while they relax. Or turn off the TV and actually talk to each other. Set your phone down and have a nice dinner and talk about your relationship and what you both want out of it and where you want it to go.

The most important part of this is though. You NEED to LISTEN and UNDERSTAND what your partner is saying. If you don’t understand ask questions. Don’t cut them off when they are talking though. Let them finish what they are trying to express. Then you can do the same after you ask whatever questions you have.

Hell, make it a weekly thing where you both spend maybe twenty to thirty minutes talking and trying to understand each other.

I truly hope that those of you who read this will actually take a second to realize that communication truly is key to any form of relationship and I hope you all will take steps to build healthy, lasting relationships with people who care about you and support you.

The Rules

These rules are subject to change if the submissive is not comfortable with any of them. These rules are just ideas, seeing as how I am poly as well as a Dominant. I have separate rules for each since some partners may not be submissive.

Rules:
1. The submissive will do some sort of work out for at least 60 minutes a day.

2. The submissive will eat healthily. If the submissive has any questions about this they may ask their Dominant.

3. The submissive will practice all forms of personal care and self-love.

4. The submissive will always be on their best behavior. Since they are a reflection of their Dominant.

5. When the submissive has an issue they will communicate with the Dominant.

6. During play, the submissive will ask if they may cum.

7. The submissive will always tell the Dominant if something isn’t right.

8. If the submissive isn’t comfortable with something they will let the Dominant know right away.

9. The submissive will devote time to the Dominant

10. If the submissive wants to play they will let the Dominant know (Dominants aren’t mind readers)

Poly Rules.

All of the above rules apply to the poly rules as well.

1. The submissive should spend time with all partners.

2. If the submissive wants to have a fling or play with someone outside of the poly relationship they will ask the Dominant

3. The submissive will communicate at all times as to how the submissive is feeling and if there are any jealousy issues.

4. The submissive will be willing to work with the Dominant if there are any issues with other partners.

5. Drama will not be tolerated

6. All partners/parties will work together to ensure that everyone feels accepted and loved

7. Love can be for more than one person. Making everything about the submissive or the Dominant is wrong in a poly relationship

8. If the rules are broken the party that broke the rule should be punished. (This includes the Dominant)

9. All parties will work on and develop the relationship that they want to have.

10. Every partner is different. Not all partners want the same thing. Learn what they want from you and work with them.

Addiction

In life, people become addicted to many different things. From drugs and alcohol. To being in a specific emotional state. BDSM can be considered a form of addiction as well.

Hear me out here. There is a high that everyone in the lifestyle gets. For a sub, it is any form of subspace. For a Dom it is Domspace. Being in these head spaces can be euphoric and freeing. It can be like a drug of sorts.

So people try to reach those points over and over again. each time it could be harder and hard. Which could mean you have to do more and more to get to that point. Like an alcoholic who has been drinking for a while and needs more to drink to get to that buzzed point.

This can lead to deeper and darker fetishes and kinks. Which can be okay, but there also come a time when you have to cut back on things. It is similar to a porn addiction in many ways.

Considering usually there is some form of sex that turns a person on. There are also specific things in the lifestyle that turn a person on as well. You can’t just keep doing the same things over and over and expect the same results. You build up a tolerance and have to find other things that make you feel good.

For some, it is going harder on or with their partner. This could be a dangerous road to travel down for many reasons. The main reason is that things can go overboard. Even with the consent of your partner. That is why the Dom has to always keep themselves in check. It is also the submissives duty to tell the Dominant if something doesn’t feel right or if they just aren’t feeling a scene or play session.

Addiction can be a dark aspect of life, but handled right it can be okay.

I know that there are a lot of people out there that have started in this lifestyle being into a few things. Only to grow and change over the course of their time in the lifestyle and learn that other things work better at getting them to the point of euphoria.

That being said, there are some kinks and fetishes that go beyond what is normally accepted by the community and your partners. You have to take these things into account and make sure that you are always trying to work through them as an individual.

I know that I have struggled with this as well. Over the years my tastes have changed, but I always try to take time and evaluate things.

Always ask yourself, is this safe, is this sane, and is this consensual. Those three questions will tell you if you are going down a dark road or not. I have stated before that if one of those is not met then it is abuse. I meant it.

No matter what you are into, you have to make sure that you have your partners best interests at hand. There is no reason why you should make everything about you and your wants and needs. Your partner is your partner for a reason. Always communicate everything.

You never know maybe something you never thought that they would like ends up being something you both enjoy.

Serenity

My reasons for being in this lifestyle have been discussed at length but what I find in the lifestyle is something that I can’t find anywhere else. There is something so beautiful and serene about giving your partner pleasure.

Personally, I feel at peace when my partner is in subspace. Every touch, kiss, slap, spanking. Is like a release from everything. The feeling I get when they moan or wince in pleasure or pain. Gives me a thrill like none other.

The feel of a woman’s soft skin. The taste of her lips, skin, and blood…. Can be a form of ecstasy that nothing can compare to. Seeing the marks I have left brings me so much joy and makes me so proud. Not that I made them but that my partner allowed me to leave them.

When a partner earns things is another thing that makes me feel amazing as a Dominant. From the day they start training, to the day that they are accepted as a submissive. Or even possibly collared for those exceptional submissives. I am filled with joy and pride in my submissive.

BDSM isn’t just about the sex. It is about so much more. Pleasure is about more than sex. Sometimes pleasure can bring you peace of mind or serenity.

I find my calm and my home in my partners. (sadly I don’t have one at the moment) I hope to find another submissive or three one day.

Narcissistic Cannibal

In the lifestyle, there seems to be a lot of people who seem to use people for their own gain. I personally have been through this more than once. Looking back on some of my relationships. Some of the women I took on as a submissive were very narcissistic to the point of using me to make their own lives better, only to have them drop me like I mean nothing to them.

This seems to be a growing trend within the lifestyle from young Dom’s ghosting a submissive, to a submissive only using a Dominant to get off then ghosting them.

This trend needs to FUCKING STOP!!

I am tired of hearing how some Dom dropped off the face of the planet after getting what they wanted from someone. The same goes for the submissive.

The issue with this is what happens to the person that they drop or used. I know I am a strong person and have spent a lot of time dealing with crap in my life. Yet, for others, this could be devastating and destroying.

When a person is treated like this. They lose their sense of self-worth along with self-esteem. Not to mention the heartache and other emotional aspects of things. Which could lead to a deep dark depression.

I am tired of hearing how someone has left another person broken and they are left alone. I get breakups can be bad. You only have to look at a few of my own breakups to understand that.

What I am talking about though is building a person up and then treating them like shit. Or as if the person isn’t anything without someone else. Some people find themselves in pleasing others. Those types of people are the most hurt by actions like this.

I think that the absolute worst part of this is the aspect of yo-yoing with the person who was dropped. A Narcissist will contact the person that they used over and over again in order to give them hope that one day they will come back to them. In order to keep them on the line. This is the most destructive.

It takes the person’s self-worth and places it in the Narcissists hands. If they do this they are good enough to get back with or if they follow these rules things will go back to the way they were. When the Narcissist has no intention of getting back with the person.

The Narcissist craves that control. They crave to destroy people around them in order to bring themselves up. No matter what the cost to anyone around them.

Having been a person going through this, I didn’t even realize it. I never thought that that person would do something like that to me. In the end though I had to take a look at the situation. It took time to realize that she is a toxic person who thinks she is better than everyone around her. She believes that she deserves to have everything even if that means destroying others.

So, from me to all of you. If you see someone out there doing this to someone or they are on the receiving end of something like this. Reach out, if you are talking to the narcissist tell them that they are fucking up. If you are talking to the victim. Be there for them. Help them stand on their own two feet again.

As members of the BDSM lifestyle, it is our job to pay attention to those in our local communities. We have to protect those who are new from those who may prey upon those who don’t know any better.

Everyone is different

I have been thinking about this for a while now. I just haven’t been able to put it into words. It is this gut feeling that I have been having. Maybe it is a way for me to realize why I am rejected by so many or just left on the back burner so to speak.

Everyone is different. Everyone wants something different out of life. As of this moment, I am listening to Trouble by FFDP which may also be the reason for this post.

I am an acquired taste so to speak. Which I get then again so is everyone else. We all have our own issues and problems. We all have our own baggage and other things that get in the way of us being ourselves.

Sometimes we use it to attract a partner or we put on a mask at our place of work. Deep down though we want to be who we believe we are on the inside. Looking back on my life. There were times where I wasn’t me in order to impress people or having to keep myself in some form of box in order for family to not be to be okay with me.

It is hard to be yourself when others around you won’t ever accept you for who you are. Maybe that is what pulls us to the lifestyle. Maybe the fact that it is so accepting of people that we allow people to be who they really are. Not some fake version of themselves even if you use your Fet name at a munch or something.

You are accepted and allowed to be you. No matter who you are. (Within reason)

I have always been myself but there have always been these chains holding me down so to speak. Keeping me from being who I wanted to be. Sometimes those chains were put there by society, other times by family or friends. Sometimes even by myself. Sometimes as a person, you feel you have to water yourself down around some people.

Basically, you have to keep some people from getting to know you on a personal level because of drama or some such.

I know I am guilty of doing this. I have pushed people away when I shouldn’t have, and I have pulled people close when I shouldn’t have.

There has been this post going around on my facebook that says something to the effect of. You fell in love with someone who should have just been a fuck. Which can be true in many instances. We place so much value on specific people and don’t realize that we are changing for them. In order for them to like us more.

We mold ourselves into the shapes that fit in that stupid little shape box in order to fit in their lives or within the relationship with them. We cut ourselves up just to please them. We reach out and try to get some form of attention or affirmation from them. As if our lives depend on their opinions of us.

Now, I am not saying that this is a good or bad thing. I just know that it happens. I also know that we give up parts of ourselves in order to conform to what our partners want.

(This goes along with why communication is such a key aspect of any relationship)

You can’t expect your partner to know what you are wanting or thinking. You have to convey that. If you want to try something new or different tell them. We all have different tastes as well. Sometimes that new thing may not ever happen.

This could also make or break a relationship. This is where compromise comes into play. Both of you have to work together in order to build any form of relationship.

In closing, know that you are different and amazing. There is no other you on the face of the planet. You have the right to be you. Don’t let another person or partner control who you are unless you are a slave, and that is what you want.

You are always a person first. Then a Dom or a sub. Don’t let anyone hold you back from that. When you have hit rock bottom the only place to go is up.