Philosophy vs. Psychology

In BDSM, there has always been a battle that every person, has had to deal with. That battle is between the philosophy vs. the psychology of the lifestyle.

The psychology is the personal aspect of BDSM and the impact on an individual person. Whereas philosophy is the reality of the lifestyle. Think of it this way. If as a Dominant you expect your submissive to be nake in the house at all times. Psychologically, you could see that working. Yet, philosophically you realize that there are times where your submissive should be clothed.

The ideas behind the psychology of BDSM are originally what drew me to the lifestyle. Over time though I learned that the philosophy was actually more important than the psychology of the lifestyle. As a young Dominant, I had delusions of grandeur. I had dreams of a polyamorous relationship where I had a harem of submissives and would have all these submissives at my beck and call. Over time though I realized that the thought of it was what made me enjoy it. Where in practice I know for a fact that I couldn’t please more than a few women at a time.

(Note: I am still a dork and would enjoy a harem, but I realize that it is a fantasy at this point)

A person’s thoughts on what works in the lifestyle change as they truly start to understand the philosophy of the lifestyle. The psychology of the lifestyle says, me and mine. I take what I want as a Dominant. The philosophy says your partner is human and should be treated as such first then add the fun aspects of things.

I can’t tell you how many times I have thought about fantasies that I have had and wanted to make them a reality. Yet, in reality, I know that those thoughts may never come to fruition.

We as the human race have always had issues with this inner battle we have. Which crosses over from our normal lives into every aspect of who we are. From our beliefs and interests to how we act and let others perceive us.

When I was just getting started in the lifestyle I was naive like everyone else. I thought I knew everything. Which of course I didn’t Over the years I have learned to be humble and I had to take a look at the psychology of BDSM and the philosophy of it as well in order to understand myself better.

Life has its ups and downs. We all go through things. You and your partner may be on different pages. Heck, you may not even be in the same book sometimes. That is where this thought process came from for me.

I have spent a lot of time trying to build relationships with previous partners in order to try and keep everything kosher. Only to realize that my psychology behind the lifestyle isn’t the same as others. Only then did I look at the philosophy and realize that the philosophy is something we can all agree upon. In the philosophy of the lifestyle, we have the tenents and the laws of BDSM so to speak.

The psychology of the lifestyle has all of our own personal beliefs and thoughts on the lifestyle. Which are not always understood by everyone. For instance, some people are into water sports or Master/slave relationships. Others not so much. This is where BDSM becomes more personal. This is where the thought that BDSM is different for everyone comes in.

The philosophy of it is the premise of the lifestyle. It gives us the guidelines and helps lead us into what aspects we as individuals click with.

So, my question is to all of you. Do you feel the same way I do? Do you understand things the same way? Or am I just crazy? I would like to hear your perspectives on this topic.

Mentoring the opposite role

  There has been something within the lifestyle that has been bugging me for a long time. This all came to a head when I was contacted by a submissive on my blog and then ended up chatting with her over a chat app. 

I have to say this hits me to the core of who I am and the reason why I made this blog, to begin with. I created this blog to help educate and counsel those who are lost within the lifestyle. I created it to help keep so-called “Dominants” from abusing submissives. I did this to reach out with all my own personal knowledge of the lifestyle.

The topic of today’s post is this. So-called Dominants and Mentors piss me off to no end. They make what I do a joke a laughing stoke and I take it as a threat and a jab at what I do and who I am when I hear about these so-called individuals using and hurting potential submissives. 

What they don’t understand is that through their actions they are making me and others like me look bad. Not only that but they are hurting the submissive and could possibly keep that person from experiencing how amazing BDSM can be. It sickens me that there are those out there who play the part only to get what they want out of someone.

I am sorry if I seem a little heated, but enough is e-fucking-nough. The basis of this post lights a fire within me because I have seen so many amazing submissives get hurt by these idiots and morons. I wish I could spend five minutes alone with these uneducated pompous assholes. 

The Rules for Mentors

  1. A mentor is never to do anything sexual with a submissive unless the submissive asks for it. 
  2.  As a mentor, your job is to teach and educate
  3. You are the safety net for the submissive. You oversee everything
  4. It is your job to guide and protect the submissive
  5. When the mentoring process is over. You have two choices either work things out with your submissive and take them on as your own. Or help them find a compatible Dominant that has been vetted and has been cleared. You let them go so that they can grow and learn more
  6. You can’t teach someone everything. 
  7. Experience doesn’t always mean you are right. 

Rules for newcomers to the lifestyle who are looking for a Mentor/ Dom

  1. Make sure you can trust the person
  2. Never allow them power over you in a mentoring aspect they are the teacher and you are the learner. They can’t control you
  3. If they force play or anything sexual they aren’t a Mentor or Dom
  4. They are there to be your protector and your guardian of sorts. If they don’t act as such, they shouldn’t be your Mentor or Dom
  5. You should never have to question their motives. 
  6. If you have questions ask. If they give you bullshit answers they aren’t worth your time.
  7. Don’t just jump into a Mentor or Dom/sub relationship make sure you know the person. Take your time.

This topic makes me hot to the point that I want to reach out and touch some people. What I do isn’t a joke. It isn’t something I only do sometimes. I am always here trying to help educate and inform those who are willing to listen or learn. 

Sorry for the heated post but it needed to be said. 

Commitment and kinks

Looking at relationships today, a lot of them seem to be whimsical or even a form of a mythical being. A real relationship with someone you know, understand and trust is so few and far between.

It is like a one in an infinite chance to find someone that you can connect with. When it comes to kinks it becomes even harder. Finding someone who is into the things that you are. It is as if you are searching for El Dorado or Atlantis. Especially if you are in a smaller town or city.

I know how it can wear on you if you can’t find someone who meshes with you well. Or even in some cases accepts you. Keeping your sex life to yourself has been the way it had to be for a long time.

People tend to be very judgemental. Especially if you live in a small religious community. I know that one first hand. I also know how it feels to keep a big part of who you are hidden from those around you. No one in my life knows who or what I am.

No one in my family would understand, nor would they accept me for who I am. This can be a very important thing with your partner. If they can’t accept who you are it can be devastating and could end the relationship.

Back on topic though.

Every day it is a battle to keep my kinks out of my commitment to my partner. Being Polyamorous and being someone who enjoys watching. It is hard sometimes for me to stop when I get to that point, so to speak.

I have to remember every day that my submissive is a switch and not just a submissive. We both have kinks and fantasies that involve specific things like gangbangs and orgies and such but sometimes I have to keep myself in check instead of being the Master I am to her I have to be the boyfriend.

With her past trauma, her fantasies are fantasies that she does and doesn’t want. She has moments where she hits a wall that blocks her from being who she wants to be for herself and for me. So, I do my best to switch from being her Master to being her boyfriend.

There are times I can treat her like the naughty little slut she is, and then there are times where her own fantasies scare her. One of the things that I have tried to express to her is that in the past she wasn’t in control of what was happening and this is a way that she could take back that control.

Doing these things in a controlled environment can help open her up to growth and possibly helping with her past trauma. I normally wouldn’t support this thought process. Hell, I even wrote a post about it. Yet, looking at the situation now I understand it differently than I originally did.

So, sometimes I have caught between a rock and a hard place no pun intended. Helping my partner grow and become the woman she wants to be. Has always been my goal with all of my partners. Hence why I had to let them go in a sense. I was holding them back from what they wanted.

I know that may sound strange and possibly like I am self defeating but in the end. I have to let my partners those who I have loved with everything in me go. So that they can move forward.

As much as it hurt to let Melika or Missy go. I had to do it because they had issues accepting the fact that I am poly and they wanted me to be someone that I am not. Sadly it is the story of my life.

Others around me have always wanted me to be someone I am not and the instant I become the person they want me to be they end up not loving me the way they thought they did.

So, I have vowed to make a commitment to myself and my partners that I won’t change them. Nor will I change. We may have kinks and fantasies that drive us. Things that make us feel whole and things that make us feel as if we are one, but in the end, our commitment to ourselves and to each other needs to be the main priority.

This isn’t something that we all can just fake either, we have to work at it everyday. We have to show our partner or partners that they are the apple of our eye. That we are committed to them and to ourselves.

In times like this when there is a crazy virus going around making and keeping commitments to ourselves and to our partners is very important. With the number of people who are under quarantine right now, we all should make sure that if any of those people are our partners that they are safe and okay.

This also goes for those stupid new years’ resolutions. If you made a commitment to go to the gym you better be working out… If you made a commitment to spend more time with your loved ones. You should be doing such.

I hate to sound cliche but we only have this one life. (Religious views aside) We need to take our lives into our own hands. No one else can fix our problems but us.

Communication is key

I know that in the past I have pushed for communication and for you all to communicate.

Yet, I haven’t told you how to communicate effectively. You see the key to any lasting relationship is being able to express what you are feeling to your partner and helping them to be able to understand what you are feeling and saying.

Again, though I have failed at explaining how this is done. With all my years in the lifestyle. Along with all my years as someone who considers myself a teacher in this area. I have had my failings. I am at fault here just as much as any of my previous partners.

The blame in the communication break down isn’t solely on them, nor is it just on me.

We as humans use vocal notes to express sounds which we turn into words. In our primitive days, each noise would mean something that could end up meaning life or death. Yet, as time has gone on we have let these sounds carry less meaning over time. I believe the reason for this is that we as a race have deviated from our animal instincts to become more of a docile species. So words and sounds mean less.

For instance, the three little words that can change someone’s life. “I Love You” Looking at those words and our culture today, we don’t really put an emphasis on the word love that we use to. We say it without having the actual mental understanding of what love truly is and means.

Plus on the other side of that, there are multiple forms of love. Being able to communicate what form of love that you have for someone is very important. It is almost as important as loving the person or feeling that love from another person.

Now being able to express that feeling and convey it into words is something that we as a society may have a lot of issues with. Looking at the media and how they portray love. (Just watch any Hallmark movie during Christmas) That form of love isn’t what we feel for everyone. For instance, we love our siblings and other family members. We don’t love a partner the same way we love family.

Nor do we love a partner the way we love our friends and people we confide in. We love partners on a different level.

Adding the BDSM aspect to things can make it a lot harder to understand as well. Looking at any submissive who has gone into subspace and is coming out of it. Aftercare is a way to show your love. Now, do you love this person as your partner? As a play partner? As a human being? That is up to the parties that are there.

Some people consider sexual acts the deepest and most raw form of love. Which I understand, whoever you are having sex with is seeing you naked and seeing you for who you really are underneath your masks. You express physical intimacy in a way that can be considered a form of love.

I kinda went off-topic here but let me explain why I did that.

In a lot of forms of communication, we as a society aren’t truly listening or trying to understand what the person is saying. We are trying to create a response to what they are saying. We feel the need to defend ourselves as if we are being attacked. Even when the conversation is about someone else’s emotions. Which loops me back to the emotion of love.

I have had a lot of people including partners, basically, tell me that I can’t be polyamorous. I can’t love more than one person romantically. So, I have had to express and find ways to convey to them that they can understand. Which has been very difficult at times.

You see if someone is closed-minded to something. Or doesn’t want to understand it. They won’t even try. If it is out of the norm or something that their religion, ethnic background, upbringing, or even their past won’t allow them to understand.

A closed-minded person, like a person who is scared of what could happen, will always miss out on the chances they didn’t take. If you aren’t willing to be open-minded with your partner then you are closing yourself off from communicating effectively.

Your relationship isn’t just about you and your wants and your needs. It is also about your partner’s wants and needs as well. It is a two-way street, and you both have to work on being open-minded and understanding when it comes to your relationship and your communication.

Some partners communicate differently than you do. Some will have different triggers or trauma than you will and you both will have to work around those things in order to build the relationship.

My best suggestion is to sit down with your partner once a week and actually talk. Not the whole “How was work honey” “Oh it was work dear” I am talking about actually communicating with each other. Opening up, letting your partner see your hopes, dreams, and worst fears. Learn as much about your partner as you can. Hell, know them better than you know yourself. (For us guys who are with female partners. You know what I mean. Get her the chocolates and such before she has the emotional breakdown and be there for her without her having to ask.)

The key here is to actually be there for your partner. Let them vent to you, let them sit in a bubble bath while you sit there and talk to them while they relax. Or turn off the TV and actually talk to each other. Set your phone down and have a nice dinner and talk about your relationship and what you both want out of it and where you want it to go.

The most important part of this is though. You NEED to LISTEN and UNDERSTAND what your partner is saying. If you don’t understand ask questions. Don’t cut them off when they are talking though. Let them finish what they are trying to express. Then you can do the same after you ask whatever questions you have.

Hell, make it a weekly thing where you both spend maybe twenty to thirty minutes talking and trying to understand each other.

I truly hope that those of you who read this will actually take a second to realize that communication truly is key to any form of relationship and I hope you all will take steps to build healthy, lasting relationships with people who care about you and support you.

How to be a good Dominant

As I sit here drinking my coffee with a couple of shots of whiskey in it. I realized something. Whiskey and coffee belong together. I also realized that I have never talked about how to be a good Dominant. I have told you what not to do and what to do, but in the end, that seems to fall on deaf ears more often than not.

Being a Dominant isn’t about giving submissive’s orders. It isn’t about getting your way all the time. It isn’t about getting sexual pleasure from a person that you control. In fact, it isn’t even really about you. You don’t control everything. If you think you do then you really don’t understand the lifestyle at all.

As a Dominant your job is to provide the pleasure your submissive seeks may it be from pain to giving over control of aspects of their lives for you to control. Yes, it is a two-way street, but if you don’t take care of your submissive you won’t have a submissive.

There seems to be a lot of young people who get into the lifestyle and think that being a Dominant is all about them. I know that there are times where it can be that, but it isn’t all the time.

Just taking a dominant title doesn’t mean that you are dominant. Nor does it mean that any submissive has to submit to you. You have to earn their submission. You have to be willing to sacrifice things in order to be worthy of their submission.

Also, don’t fall into the thought that you can do whatever you want to your submissive either. You can dig them a very deep emotional and mentally abusive hole if you do that. Sometimes it can take decades for them to get over that.

Don’t take advantage of your title or anyone else’s for that matter. Be willing to help teach and nurture a submissive. Build a relationship with them and you could have a submissive for years.

Another thing is that you have to be willing to work on yourself and actually know what you are talking about. There are a ton of resources out there to help guide you in the right direction.

Blogs:
https://submissiveguide.com/unassigned/articles/36-bdsm-and-ds-blogs-you-should-check-out

There is a ton of information out there and a lot of it is really good. Just make sure you are doing your research

Working on myself

Over the years, I have learned that past experiences can hinder you from doing what you want to. I personally have dealt with many different things from the loss of a loved one. To my own personal and mental hangups. I let my fear get the best of me.

There is a saying that just on the other end of fear is freedom.

Which actually tends to be true in many cases. I feared that this blog wouldn’t ever be worth anything. I feared my own lack of knowledge in some areas would end up being my own downfall.

There have been many cases where I let fear dictate what I did. I wouldn’t do something I wanted to out of fear of not succeeding or maybe it was fear of succeeding. I have used my own personal flaws as excuses as to why I can’t do something or why I shouldn’t do something.

One of the reasons I haven’t posted in a while is because of the woman I met at the munch. She is amazing in so many ways. She and I have been talking and hanging out a lot. Which has helped me to realize something very important.

In my past relationships, I have always used my depression as a crutch. Or a reason to not do something for fear of what could happen. I have belittled myself and put myself between a rock and a hard place mentally and emotionally time and time again.

I never really understood that I needed to work on myself. I have always enjoyed doing things. Like going to the coast, or on a day trip somewhere or even being out in nature. Yet, I would let my fear and depression keep me from doing those things.

I have spent three decades on this planet and not all of that time spent here were good times. Some of them were hard as hell. Others where alright. I let the bad times in my life dictate what I would do. Or I would just knuckle down and do what needed to be done to survive.

Looking back, I realize that is all I have ever really done in life is survive. When I want to thrive.

Sitting here typing this I am seeing things in a different way. Not only because I met this amazing woman who pointed it out, but because I am more open to things now than I ever really have been.

I know I need to work on myself. I know I have my own issues and problems, but those shouldn’t keep me from my dreams. Nor should you let your own issues and problems keep you from being the person you want to be.

I read a post on Tumblr the other day.

I don’t want you to save me. I want you to be by my side while I save myself.

Which really struck home for me. I don’t need anyone to fix me. It isn’t their responsibility to fix me at all. If it is anyone’s it is my own responsibility to fix myself. I can’t love someone if I don’t love myself.

Taking the time to work on you isn’t selfish or bad at all. In fact, you should take the time to work on you. In today’s society, all of us have problems from past traumas and depression. To anxiety and horrible coping mechanisms.

We are trying to hard to seem okay or happy and show everyone that we are alright. When deep down we are all going through our own personal hell. We don’t think to work on ourselves, but we put ourselves in a position where we are helping others. Or we distance ourselves from those who can help us.

I blamed my parents for years, for my problems. I lived in the past and never really left it until now. I never really moved on from some of the things that had happened to me. From the mental and verbal abuse. To the physical abuse. I never truly forgave those who wronged me. I was bitter and angry at the world.

Yet, looking back. I was a stupid kid with a chip on my shoulder and I thought I was some badass. Don’t get me wrong we are all badasses for surviving this long. We made it through everything. We are alive, now we just need to find a way to thrive.

There has been a post on facebook that kinda sums this up well.

What doesn’t kill you gives you mental baggage and bad coping mechanisms.

Which is where many of us are today. We either haven’t dealt with past problems or we let them dictate what actions and choices we make. The question is though.

How does that help us?

I know I turned to alcohol and porn and tried to drown my sorrows at the bottom of every bottle. I also know that I turned to porn and used it as an outlet that never really shows how amazing a woman can really be. I was never really taught or shown how to treat a woman.

I was always told to respect a woman and treat her right. What does that really mean though? Especially, to any guy in his early twenties. When all he can think about is getting his dick wet. (Don’t get me wrong. I still like getting my dick wet today, but I know better now)

I was never taught how to have a real or healthy relationship. All of the adults in my life had broken or relationships of convenience. Some even just had relationships because they didn’t want to be alone.

That isn’t what I want for my life. I want to have a healthy relationship with a partner who is willing to love and support me even when I am in my dark depression. I don’t want them to save me though. I want them to just be there and not leave me.

That is another issue I have had over the years. Everyone I have ever loved either family or friends, or even potential partners. They leave me. Honestly when Melika left me after six years. I was devastated. All the fear and depression came back tenfold.

I am doing better now but at the time. I wanted to give up. I wanted to disappear. I didn’t want to be anymore. Yet, here I am talking about it.

I have been an idiot with the woman I met at the munch. I have this fear that she will end up leaving me as well. I have even tried to push her away. Mind you it is all unintentional. I do it without thinking. Which is something I am working on.

I can’t let the fear of someone leaving me, dictate what I do or don’t do with someone. I can’t let it make me choose not to care about someone or even love someone in the future.

Learning to work on yourself is a big part of growing up. I use to drown my sorrows in all sorts of things and pretend like they didn’t exist. I would play video games, watch movies, drink, avoid them at all costs. I even lived in the past for a long time.

Here I am today though saying that I will do this for myself. I will do better for myself. I will find better coping mechanisms. I will let go of all the pain and move forward with my life. For myself and my potential partners.

It is sad that it took me this long to realize what I have to do. As they say, though there is no better time to start than now.

I want so many things in life. I want to live the life I want, and I couldn’t do that before because I was the one holding myself back. Not my past, fear, depression, or even relationships. I was the one that kept me from being me. Out of spite and my own self-loathing.

Well no more, I will do everything in my power to move forward and to let go of the past. I have to grow even if I fear change. I have to do the things I want to do. Even if it means letting go of who I thought I was. So that I can become the person I want to be.

Past Trauma and BDSM

I have read a lot of articles and spoken with so many different people over the years. Many of which seem to have the same take on BDSM. They use is a coping mechanism to understand or work through past trauma.

I am personally torn about this topic. I know that experiencing things in a safe setting. Where things are controlled and everyone is having fun. Can be a good thing but I also know that sometimes specific things can send a person into a panic attack or anything else for that matter.

I understand the healing that can happen, but I also understand the act itself could put the person’s mind back in that setting and turn them into someone they don’t want to be.

Many women I have talked to have been raped in the past and use CNC or rape play as a way to heal and gain back control over what happened to them. For some, it works, for others… Not so much.

I totally support using the lifestyle to release stress and to enter a form of spiritual or meditative state. In order to find a way to cope and deal with past experiences.

I also support using BDSM to try and understand yourself better. To understand your fears, or even to understand what you don’t fear.

BDSM healing is a touchy subject for a lot of BDSM practitioners. Specifically for those in the Dominant role. As a BDSM educator as well. I want you all to play safe and always make sure that consent is given even if they want some form of rape play or some type of hardcore play. Ask for consent during play. If you think you are going to hard or too deep into the role.

BDSM may be a way to heal from trauma but in the end, it may not be the best way to heal. Go see a specialist and talk with them as well.

Creating something real

Over the past two years. I have spent a lot of time on this blog. Trying to help everyone out there create a better version of themselves along with creating a relationship. I have given advice on how to find people and meet people.

I used everything at my disposal from Fetlife to tinder. I suggested so many different things. I have tried to help you all learn about the lifestyle and how it should actually work. Not that 50 shades of Gray shit. Yet, what I haven’t really touched on is how to create something real and something that lasts.

You would think it is a no brainer. Use all the tools I gave you and keep things going. Yet, it dawned on me that sometimes you need more tools to build a lasting relationship.

Tools:

Communication:
I have stressed this so much that it more than likely has become annoying but that is the point. You have to know that it is your main tool. It doesn’t matter if you are in a vanilla relationship or a BDSM relationship. You have to be able to communicate and you have to be able, to be honest.

Trust:
Learning to trust others can be one of the hardest things anyone will ever do. Yet, no matter how many people break our trust. For some reason, we are always willing to try and trust others for the sake of finding someone who treats us right.

Respect:
Having respect for another person goes a long way. Respecting their point of view to their own wants and needs. You have to treat them like a person. You can’t just treat them like a doormat.

Compromising:
Both parties have to compromise and be willing to work together towards the same goal. If not it will fall apart.

Love:
Love is an interesting aspect of building something real. There are different levels of love. From loving a family member or a friend. To loving your partner or spouse. Love encompasses all the other tools listed here. Without it, the relationship you build will fall apart.

Mutual interests:
This may sound like a no brainer but sharing the same interests means that you can show your partner all these tools while spending time together doing things you both enjoy.

Time:
You have to be willing to put in the time to spend with them. Make time for them. Don’t just make plans and not follow through with them.

Actionable words:
I am sure that there is a better way to say this but, it made sense to me in my head. You have to put your words into actions and follow through with what you say you are going to do.

Vulnerability:
You have to be willing to be vulnerable to your partner, and they have to be willing to be vulnerable to you.

Honesty:
You have to be honest with yourself and honest with your partner no matter what. Even if it hurts you or them.

Integrity:
You and your partner also have to have integrity. You have to stick to your guns and knuckle down sometimes so you both can weather the storms of life.

Hard Work:
You have to be willing to work hard for yourself and your partner. You can’t just sit there and expect your relationship to be great if all you are doing is having sex once a week.

Build Together:
Work on things together. From making dinner to planning a vacation. Do things together that will help you both grow along with your relationship.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Then put those words into action. If you want to build something with someone. Take action to do so. Don’t just say you can do it later. You could let the greatest thing in your life pass you by for not being willing to put in the work.

Matters of the Heart

I talk about this topic a lot and I try to help everyone understand how important it really is. That being said. I am only human. I mess up as well. I told you all I went to my local munch at the beginning of this month and said I had a lot of fun. Well, there is much more to it than that.

I met a local woman. I am sure you are saying oh well good for you. The thing is, she isn’t just a normal woman. She is wise beyond her years. She is stunningly beautiful and is as smart as a whip. We share a lot of the same kinks and fetishes. Along with a lot of the same interests outside of the community.

I had told her that I am poly and have some friend with benefits. Everything was cool. Then I made the mistake of being a guy and not thinking or understanding the way a woman thinks. I almost lost her. Thankfully she is willing to give me another chance because she made me realize something very important.

Just because I talk about communication. Just because I tell you to communicate with your partner. Doesn’t mean it will be easy. Nor does it mean that you will always understand what is going on in their head. Both of you have to be willing to admit that you are human and not mind readers.

The way a man’s mind works is completely different from the way a woman’s does. (Chemically they are the same) Yet, the things that matter to them vary wildly. To a man not being able to remember exactly everything someone says isn’t a big deal. On the other hand for a woman being able to recall and remember something specific could be the most important thing in the conversation.

You need to find a middle ground as a place to communicate. You can’t just assume that the words you are saying are even being conveyed correctly to your partner. Which is why action speaks louder than words.

As a guy, some things don’t even phase you so to speak but for a woman, they could destroy her. Being able to communicate your feelings is one thing. Being able to communicate them through actions is another.

I know I have a problem with communicating through actions. I know that I have a problem with communication. I may have this blog and pound the idea of communication down your throats. I am trying to get a point across though.

Without communication and being able you make that communication actionable. You really won’t be able to build upon anything.

There is an old Christian saying. the fool builds his house upon the sand, but the wise man builds his house upon the rock.

You have to build your relationship on a strong foundation of mutual trust, respect, love, and communication. If even one of these isn’t upheld then the house will fall.

We as humans are all different. We all communicate differently. Yet we assume that others can understand us. Which is part of the problem. We need to create some form of baseline with someone in order to communicate.

I realized that I had been all talk an no show for a long time. I would say things and mean them, but wouldn’t have the slightest clue on how to do them. Or I would try and do them and fail.

After having this pointed out to me by this amazing woman. I realized that I have to change. I have to stop being an idiot. I have to put my action in what I am saying. I realize that it will be hard, but I think she is worth it. Just to see where things go with her.

Make your actions count and make them what you say.

Aftercare

A scene or a play session can be a lot of fun. It can be intense (like camping. You know in tents. Sorry bad joke) Stupid jokes aside thought after everything is said and done. There has to be Aftercare.

Aftercare is very important it helps the submissive come down from the high of the scene. Within a scene, so many things can be going on with the sub. From physical to psychological and even emotional.

The key to good aftercare is to help them come down from that slowly and help them to get back to the right mindset. During a scene, the sub may like being humiliated and used as a toy, pet, or even a cumdump. Getting them back to feeling more human and back to themselves can be hard.

My best suggestion is finding something that makes them feel safe. For some that can be being held and being reassured by the Dominant. Just because you call them a stupid cum whore during a scene doesn’t mean that they aren’t a person.

In aftercare, a Dominants job is to make sure that they are okay. Get them water, cuddle them. Have an aftercare kit that has their stuffies in it along with other things that can help them relax and come back to normal space.

If you did a lot of rope work and their muscles are sore give them a massage, and use massage oils.

Take care of your submissive. Their submission is a gift and it should never be taken lightly.

For those of you who are looking for advice on an aftercare go bag. I would suggest watching this video.

Also, follow her. She is amazing